so hard to get him out of my mind.
i guess there is a reason for everything.
i hope so.
i am obsessed with someone for the first time in a long time, may be for the first time (period).
since he notices me doesn't make love to me, unlike other guys i thought i was obsessed with.

i just wanna mate. there is no harm in that is there?
i don't think so.

well well well
now i know. life is never perfect. but this doesn't mean it cannot be pretty good.
i have fallen for my first love all over again when i met someone who appears to be exactly like him.
who ever whatever, i have these feelings that just make me feel 18 again. i know i am not old enough to make such a statement, but till a few years back., i would fall deadly in love, now all i got left is lust and desire.
i guess flesh gains importance as egocentricism and satisfaction become priorities in anything.
some men are just desirable. and i am full of desire. what can i say, i may be older but non the wiser.

so weird, i never thought i would be the sailors' type. but apparently anyone is.
last night i noticed what i am looking for.

how long before i get in? before it starts, before i begin? how long before you decide? before i know what it feels like? where do, where do i go? if you never tried, then you'll never know. how long do i have to climb, up on this side of this mountain of mine? look up, i look up at night, planets are moving at the speed of light. climb up, up in the trees, every chance that you get, is a chance you seize. how long am i gonna’ stand, with my head stuck under the sand? i’ll start before i can stop, before i see things the right way up. and all that noise, all that sound, all these pieces that i have found. and birds go flying at the speed of sound, to show you how it all began. birds come flying from the underground, if you could see it then you'd understand… ideas that you'll never find, all the inventors could never design. the buildings that you put up, japan and china all lit up. the sign that i couldn't read, or a light that i couldn't see, something’s you have to believe, but others are puzzles, puzzling me. and all that noise, all that sound, all those pieces that i have found. and birds go flying at the speed of sound, to show you how it all began. birds come flying from the underground, if you could see it then you'd understand, oh when you see it then you'll understand… all those signs, i knew what they meant. something’s you can invent. some get made, and some get sent, ooh… birds go flying at the speed of sound, to show you how it all began. birds came flying from the underground, if you could see it then you'd understand, oh, when you see it then you'll understand…

thank god for everything everyday they say.
but i prefer just enjoying it, since i'll have enough time with him once i'm gone
for good.

just came home. i drank a lot.
i saw my ex today. it was a bit hard on me. because he looked just fine, but i did not feel anything. i think my heart is stone at least towards him by now.
love is so weird, once a bitch always a bitch.
i come to think of it, sometimes i look around and i say to myself;
Beyza how did u do this? how come you are living in sydney, your own apartment, a new life, great friends, heaps of lovers, new clothes, new style but still old you?
and then i tell myself;
it is because who i am is good enough.

i am beginning to really enjoy old songs, classics in sydney. i am sleeping more, wanna stay home more. love tv more ( if that is possible ).
i am afraid to go home more.

i am so depressed at the moment.
i haven't felt this bad in a long time now.
everything is going so bad.
everything is so empty, so void for me.
i need time to change. i need time to feel again.
now that i come to think about it my life was much better everytime i pushed myself a bit further. love found me whenever i found myself. i have to change before a stroke finds me.

so little time left.
so much to do.
this dissertation will be on time.
may be off track though.

everyday is a new beginning
i say this everyday
the day is new but not what i'm saying.
so what's new if i say the same shit?
i guess it's the weather.

i am so gonna change
beginning from myself

if i had a choice would i want to start all over
or is it best to go through this forever
or at least someone else comes along and takes my breath away?
i think i am not in love
i am just not over it yet!!
not just yet! once i get myself together
reach my goals then everything is gonna just fine. may not gonna be perfect
but will be fine.

i am moved again
i don't think i can be over this right away
why?
why keep writing
as if you care!
just let me go.

two men in two hours are history now
one lved another man
loved got sacked
and i am doing wrong
just wrong
shit happens though

today is not my day
another hour to go still and i know it will keep on sucking me until it is officially over.
today i lost two men in two hours.
i believe i deserved it by making out with my girlfriends' ex-boyfriend but life is tough...
shit happens.

sharing is caring.

fine line betweeen pleasure and pain!!
i don't now what is wrong with me nowadays but i fell very agrasif. not that i am hitting people or anything but i am getting hurt very acutely.
how come have i become so sensitive whereas i have always been the one who did not care about what anyone said or did...
especially the question of accent or confusing languages...
i think i have been way over integrated into my environment that i forget where i am from.
got to stop doing that!
and better start working if i am gonna be a sociologist!

yea ohh i am a scientist!!

i ain'T my age at all!!
still teenager still nasty still naughty still not a settler!!
i thought it was time i setlle for whatever there is...
but now i realize it is not the age but me!
i thought if i waited long enough i would slow down.
but i am fast, it wasn'T youth that made me fast it is me!!
how horrible horrible news this is for all those who find some value in me.

my case!!
over.

resolution day.
so glad that this is over.
it was hard to keep my tears back.
but i did it.
i am strong enough to protect myself.
thank god!!

i believe it is getting better by the day
but still life is not perfect
althought still enyojable
looking forward to my trip!! every new city let's me take a part of it along when i'm leaving.
how do i live without these trips? if i ever stop travelling.
never i hope!! i'll never stop.
these days i have even began to wonder where to live next year. it is such a fulfilling feeling to know that you can go on living almost anywhere!
free as a bird...

i have decided to settle here. everyday i am becoming more of an aussie!
not that i am proud of it but just to reveal the truth i mentioned. that's all there is to it.
i am weird at least kind of weird.
finally i have found some people like me, after so many years in istanbul looking for those who are like me, they seem to have grown together here in sydney!
actually i have started to believe that everyone has their wordly twin here in sydney, everyone from all over the world has been dublicated and one let on its own where as the other is here on this huge island with the rest of us.
that's why i guess i don't miss people much, as long as they're not my beloved not really.
anyway i am living in this georgeous house, having some baileys with my neighrbour on my balcony, going dancing with cute guys, lying by the beach with friends...etc. i guess i found what i was looking for.
peace.

my life has always been like this
a rollercoaster made up of different phases.
it is not going up and down but the point is rather that it goes in a very different direction at one time from another.
god forbid i am sometimes afraid that i am just going to fall off!
what have done? i ask myself quiet often in the last couple of years.
i am growing to become more and more like peter sellers.
but i am no dr.strangelove or the pink panther!
i am just a girl whose intentions are good
but a girl who can never manage on her own although she believes she can.
how much longer will it take until i realize that i should forbid myself to make any decisions at all?
i know this blog sounds really dark and pessimistic and on the contrary my life is going very well everyday i meet new people see new places have new dreams about places i haven't been to people haven't met yet! may be it is this unknown coming at my door every morning that is freaking me out,
i am sure nothing can give me the creeps more than my downstairs neighbour! real bastard and a shame on his community!
anyway he is not ht eissue here, this new phase is mine! i can never change the theme of this blog since everytime a new phase is over it is nothing other than another new phase coming through as if my life was an emergency room and new phases come running in one after another all bleeding and scared but still firm.
i wish myself the best of all new phases from now on.