i am the beloved nowadays.
everyone seems to be after me.
so agrressive i have become against those who desire me.
so smooth to those i love.

buffy ends this season.
spike dies in buffy and comes back to angel.
faith goes back to buffy.
cordelia's kid is gonna be the bad guy of the next series.
i watched it all in Berlin before!!

i am going on a vacation tomorrow!
with 4 guys...
i am such a shame!!

one hell of a night
do you know there are people you can talk about anything
do anything with
you know...
people with whom you can be really you!!
you don't know?!
what a shame.

cure.
i'm in love.

it just occured to me that i met someone really suitable for my temporary positioning;
and oh God did i just let him slip away from my hands.
Fridaay I'm in love!!

sascha, troy, sting, araf...
sunday.

got to quit it.

dorothy perkins, levi's, zara...
too much shopping might cause permanent brain damage.

dorothy perkins, levi's, zara...
too much shopping might cause permanent brain damage.

dorothy perkins, levi's, zara...
too much shopping might cause permanent brain damage.

rythm line bronx roxy...
i am going bitcher and bitcher everyday!!!

rythm line bronx roxy...
i am going bitcher and bitcher everyday!!!

so many men
trying to get me
what the hell ever that means
i am tired of running away
so tired
so drunk
oh god thanks that i still survive with my dignity.

so many men
trying to get me
what the hell ever that means
i am tired of running away
so tired
so drunk
oh god thanks that i still survive with my dignity.

wish me luck...
i am only happy when it rains...

today is gonna be a tough day
a rough day...
got some much to do although time is enough
my nerves may not be.
still o tense...

today is gonna be a tough day
a rough day...
got some much to do although time is enough
my nerves may not be.
still o tense...

got to go
and break the bonds...
i feel dizzy about it.
what should i be thankful for...they should thank me!
all the work i did and the way i was treated the last day, it was awful..
i wish it was on tape so that i had some proof!
oh God help me get over this as fast and smooth as possible.
why do i feel so tense still?

i hate some people.
really hate them.
especially those with no intellectual aspect but only ignorance,
and still they pretend to be someone else someone more info loaded.
why ? what the hell for do you pretend ?

written so many words in the last couple of hours
and may be even more
but for only one
just please be worth it!

i need better friends.
that's for sure.

sydney
here i come
you can't hide
gonna findd u
and take it slowly

porn porn porn
for the first time in history
raki and porn...

i better star reading
better get used to it
or i'll suck over the ocean
above the clouds
by the angel looking hot surfing boys
got to go...

sydney
new south wales
monash

come onnnnnnn!

i sleep to muchh
or none
what have i become
i do not care much about the rest it seems
just wanna know what's next...

pretty dirty things

pretty dirty things

my pervert had an operation
he had one of his kidneys removed
wonder why

beliz'i özledim.

i had a car accident last evening.
i was shocked.
and my new car was a bit shaken also.
i am having a great weekend with friends i enjoy very much.
i think i am gonna miss many of them when i am gone.
but hopefully they will have replacements
euheueheuh

olcay is my new best friend!

i rock babyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
i fucking rock really fucking like hell!!
oh yea baby
i did it!
i am gonna rock sydneyyy!

a decent job a man ...not what i am looking for.
nothing decent attracts me anymore
not since my heart got fucked up so bad that i cannot stop loving because i am addicted to the pain.
weird ha?
no more than...
because if u think this is weird the rest would only tramatise u petite.

i don't see how anyone can accept a life without trace
no trace because they do nothing uniqeu
when i do something
i want my art to say this is hers
i am hers
i am her
i want it to be a part of me
of this whole experience or journey or what the fuck ever anyone else might name it
well gotta believe in tomorrow
yea just gotta!

i am gonna go
easiest line to write
hardest to do nowadays
oh god please help me go forward
i am so sick of ending a journey where i began in the first place

whenever i take a look what i wrote before
it only makes me feel bad
even the good times hurt me
why is that?
when where how why did i decide to leave everything i had
is it because i did not have much
or that i had to leave not to be embarrassed any longer
why am i up right now
i wanna be asleep
these long night are killing me
i cannot do anything
too old to watch a movie to read a book or to live
but too young to feel to heavy
balance is what is missing from my life
from my time
beatles is just like these long night
killing me
oh yea love was easy to play
when i was loved
really

yesterday, love was such an easy game to play
now i need a place to hide away
oh, i believe in yesterday

why she had to go i don't know, she wouldn't say
i said something wrong, now i long for yesterday

i am fucking jealous!
why do these married couples keep running into me!!
literally actually running into me!
why?

what kind of a life would i have then
and what kind of a life do i have now...
or am gonna have soon.

he got married.
i knew it since he stopped writing me
but marriage isn't that a huge deal?
i don't know how he feels about the woman he married but i suppose he married a "woman".
anyway i wrote him a long reply asking him billions of questions.
hopefully i'll be informed soon...
but i am so confused nw
the idea that it could be me whom he just married few months ago...

soulseek made me lose my soul!
i spent too much today as usual.
i don't want new staff i cannot take all with me.
those left behind will go bad eventually...
silly me!

free for almost 3 more daysss!!!
heyo!!

since i applied for masters
i have done nothing but throwing out my staff as garbage
and i feel i am gonna be doing this for a while
par example: till i'm gone for good...

i don't want any tv today!! reading listening but no watching!!
oh god i did not know that i got myself so tired.
why do i do this to myself
never rest
why
who the fuck is paying me to rock myself apart...

for the first time in history i got myself a local cd
totally full of old times turkish songs
mostly love songs
no man to love
but my heart is obivously full of it...

hey dude
let's make it happen!

got to go back there
have to sleep at some point

but the one i am seeing nowadays is much more realistic since evil forces do not scare me anymore.

i cannot sleep at night nowadays.
i have the exact same dream every night no matter what.
that is why i cannot sleep right now.
i don't wanna go back there.
the same thing had happened to me when i was a kid.
i used to see myself in a train station with a couch and the train went by without stopping every time and i had to run after it.
or hide myself behind the couch because of the evil forces...etc.
now i am not as comfortable telling the dream i am having nowadays as telling my childhood dream because i am still under the influence of it.

too late..
thrown away.
each and every day.
i am on a road which i have no idea where it ends.
and once you're there got to move on other wise you get lost.
anything that has a beginning is said to be having an end.
so i will get somewhere someday hopefully soon.
why do i never think of men so desperately.
there are although few some people who are dying to have boyfriend, who think that they are in love with anyone who asks them out; and here i am so picky!
there women who can love any man back.and when thing so wrong they say it is just was not meant to be. then why did u do it?
why?
because these girls are so desperate, so scared to go out there are chase what could be best for them.
thank god i am not one of them.
no man is my life.
when i love i really do so for many years.
not a few months even weeks
my love my sexuality is still mine, not in the market.
thanks god that you have given me all that i have, and will have.

my apartment is full of guys again!!
these football games made me quiet popular!
beer and footbal...
i am going male!!!

yaz bana be koçum!
iki kelime olsun yaz bana.

did a hell of a shopping!
i hope it is quiet cold over there cause the staff on sale was onyly sweater!
uniteed colors of benetton...

i have been expectins e-mails from many men for the last couple of days.
none have written yet.
what i am scared of is that it might be too late when they do.
isn't this the traditional ritual of love and affection?

i watch hell of a movies today!
istanbul film festival took place at my apartment!
i feel so satisfied...intellectually!

i am gonna fantasise great staff up until the moment when they come true!

i love u jay jay
i love u jay jay

i have all these visions in my mind about how things are going to work out,
but there is this feeling in my hearts that says it is gonna work out much better!

i have applied for masters' degree in australia today.

i am getting dressed to go out enjoy the sun and the market of youth!
chat with my friends.
i feel so good about all of this going on in my life.

this excitement is growing by the minute.
we all have started to get drawn in the details when the admission is unknown.
oh please this one month should go by so fast that i might remember it as if it was a day when i am through this.
many people went and came back from different contexts.
but i feel like my experience is going to be different.
that it is going to change my life so permanently that i won't be back.
people are only experts in suffering.
but i know how to enjoy what i have.

nobody knows this blogspot.
on my own here it seems.

i cannot take this anymoree!
this is a repeatition of myself again!
i know!
but the stress is too much, i just don't think i can take it anymore.
i need some time off, and it's coming.

this is so weared.
i know i seem to repeat myself but this is true.
i am in such a rush to apply for masters degree in australia.
this has been my ultimate dream since i was seven,
since i was concious of my existence in other words.
now i gotto sit down and tell those people over there how much i want what they have...

i am going to prague!!
oh my god!!
this is a dream come true!!

hey dude!
let's make it happen!
8 o'clock 1stbirthday
10o'clock 2nd birthday
midnignt 3rd birthday
.......
dancing until the morning.

i should have dressed better!!

birthday parties tripledd!!!
oh my god!!

do i get tired?
it doesn't seem to be so...
two birthday parties to attend tomorrow night.
oh my god!
fun is like a cancer!!

friday!!
dinner, a movie...
friends!!
disco, lots of dancing...

bu sabah yalnız uyandım
sensiz olmaz, sensiz olmaz
tanıdık kokular yok
sensiz olmaz

kahvaltım anlamsızdı
sensiz olmaz, sensiz olmaz
ilk sigaram bile tatsızdı
sensiz olmaz

anlaşılan alışmışım
sensiz olmaz, sensiz olmaz
bir verdiysem iki almışım
sensiz olmaz

aşk bir dengesizlik işi
sensiz olmaz, sensiz olmaz
dengeye dönüşendir sevgi
sensiz olmaz

yine kendi kendime sormadan duramadım
niye seni böyle istiyorum bulamadım

yalnızlık zor sokaklar çıkmaz
sensiz olmaz, sensiz olmaz
hep tekdüze her şey dümdüz
sensiz olmaz

anlamak çozmeye yetmez
sensiz olmaz, sensiz olmaz
biraz telaşlı, huzursuz
sensiz olmaz

yine kendi kendime sormadan duramadım
niye seni böyle istiyorum bulamadım

gece gelmiş, yatağım boş
sensiz olmaz, sensiz olmaz
sen uzaktasın, ben uzanmış
sensiz olmaz

anlamak çozmeye yetmez
sensiz olmaz, sensiz olmaz
biraz telaşlı, huzursuz
sensiz olmaz

yine kendi kendime sormadan duramadım
niye seni böyle istiyorum bulamadım

yesterday i did not go to work
today i did not go to work
somethings wrong with me
probably what happened tuesday night...
i spent whole night dancing with an exclusive person in my life.
the one who made me have to open a new phase
and still he is a part of it.
he asked me in the morning why there was no pictures of him in my rooms
all i could say was that he did not look good enough in the pictures.
but the reason was that he broke my heart so badly i could not stand the sight of him
as long as he himself wasn't around to show me compassion or love.
which one ever he possesses.

jesse paints a picture about how it's gonna be!!!

E

what is this about me
that i want to have things done as soon as possible
what's the rush
where am i going
what am i trying to catch up with
u?

22
i hate it

sometimes it feels great to be me
sometimes it doesn't
but if it ever was given to me to be someone else
i would be someone else just to see who i am from a different point of view
not because i wanna be someone else

so much i wanna do
so little time
everyone thinks i am just ruining myself
but it's just that this is mee!!
i can't stoıp till i'm done.
australiaaa i'm comingggg

tomorrow tomorrow
i love uu tomorrowww

i miss the old days
really
nothing seemed so confusing then
i am not home
never home
where is home
nowhere i guess as long as the one is not there...

no woman no cry

may be i was better off without him.
may be not.

a man i used to find really attractive
is now so repulsive that
words are not enough to express
all i got on my mind.

friday i'm in love....
cure.

friday...
oh man drive me crazy with their ego-centric suggestions...

a brand new car
a refreshed man
a left-out school
too many friend
too small time
......
work is my home now.

what a weekend!

lunch.stop.
today.stop.
cute.stop.

i was gonna write the name
but i just changed my mind

last night
i saw the sun
the moon
the mountains
and the rivers

i saw heaven when i'm making love to you!!!

got to get back to work!
thanks for your concern!
applause...

i did hell of a shopping!
burn in hell "metrocity" !..

this is strictly business.

some friendSSS from the States are here.
thank God.
i adore Niggers as u might call!!

deep down inside
a very sophisticated intellectual is writing these lines
thank u.

gol be gol
amına koyyım fenerin!
i don't wanna swear in english!
ebenizin amına yarrak sokiyim geberin be ibnenin piçleri fenerliler!

boys boys boys
don't break my heart!

i have no idea still why i am writing in english
but just being never too clear about what i got on my mind makes me feel more comfortable i guess.