it is happening.
smoothly and easily.

About as subtle as an earthquake, I know,
My mistakes were made for you.
And in the backroom of the bad dream, she came,
And whisked me away, enthused.
And it's as solid as a rock rolling down a hill,
The fact is that it probably will hit something,
On the hazardous terrain.
And we're just following the flock,
Around and in-between,
Before we're smashed to smithereens
Like they were, then we scramble from the blame
And it's the fame that put words in her mouth,
She couldn't help, but spit them out.
Innocence and arrogance entwined,
In the filthiest of minds.
She was bitten on her birthday,
And now a face in the crowd, she's not.
And I suspected now forever the shape
She came to escape, is forgot.
And it's a lot to ask her not to sting.
And give her less than everything;
Around your crooked conscious she will wind.
And we're just following the flock, around and in-between,
Before we're smashed to smithereens
Like they were, and we scrambled from the blame.
And it's the fame that put words in her mouth,
She couldn't help but spit them out
Around your crooked conscious she will wind.
And it's a lot to ask her not to sting,
And give her less than everything
Innocence and arrogance entwined.

There's no need for the servant
There's no scene, no queen
This must be less then meant
The most pityful ever seen
I guess he misses the sunshine
For Venus he wrote a line:
"I don't mind waiting a lifetime
Even if it's gambling with time
I could dare the waiting elsewhere
Love could be the future we share"
He used to waste opportunities
Get some suicidal tendencies
All his life he's been seeking
For his passing love affair, he sang:
"I don't mind waiting a lifetime
Even if it's gambling with time
I could dare the waiting elsewhere
Love could be the future we share"
Now he's sliding to the skies
White, unlimited in his eyes
No one heard of the one man band
A red carpet to the lucky land
I don't mind waiting a lifetime
Even if it's gambling with time
I could dare the waiting elsewhere
Love could be the future we share
I'll find another space
I need some open space

Don't think sorry's easily said
Don't try turning tables instead
You've taken lots of Chances before
But I'm not gonna give anymore
Don't ask me
That's how it goes
Cause part of me knows what you're thinkin'
Don't say words you're gonna regret
Don't let the fire rush to your head
I've heard the accusation before
And I ain't gonna take any more
Believe me The sun in your Eyes
Made some of the lies worth believing
I am the eye in the sky
Looking at you I can read your mind
I am the maker of rules
Dealing with fools I can cheat you blind
And I don't need to see any more
To know that I can read your mind,
I can read your mind
Don't leave false illusions behind
Don't Cry cause
I ain't changing my mind
So find another fool like before
Cause I ain't gonna live anymore believing
Some of the lies while all of the Signs are deceiving

i have to stop myself
since i cannot let go
nor can i move on....
just stop woman!

this is getting seriously silly
i know it, he knows it
anyone who gives this a thought would know
anyone.

move on move on move on move on
or just let go!

best way to get my thought together is to write
here we go again;
where to stop?
how to stop when it is too late?
movin' on has also become a huge issue ever since i haven't been able to do so...
is it our weight that binds us to the ground or quantum gravity?

i soo have lost it
as i read what i've written it become extremely clear where i stand
there is no wisdom in what i am doing
none at all!
which just makes it pathetic, but is it useful to pity yourself whereas you could also be cherishing who you are?

let go let go let go let go
so hard for such a control freak
and these labels i hate these labels
segmentation categorization & everything else that just sticks on you and sucks whatever distinctive quality there is in you
if there is any of course.

he left no time to regret
kept his dick wet"with his same old safe bet
me and my head highand my tears dry..."get on without my guy
you went back to what you knew
so far removed from all that we went throug
hand i tread a troubled track
my odds are stackedi'll go back to black
we only said good-bye with words
i died a hundred times"you go back to her
and i go back to....."i go back to us
i love you much
it's not enough
you love blow and i love puff"and life is like a pipe
and i'm a tiny penny rolling up the walls inside"we only said goodbye with words
i died a hundred times
you go back to herand i go back to
black, black, black, black, black, black, black,
i go back toi go back to
we only said good-bye with words
i died a hundred timesyou go back to her
and i go back to
we only said good-bye with words
i died a hundred times
you go back to her
and i go back to black

losing control is so freaking me out
but still everything is out of control
noticing the situation has made no difference
does this make me a control freak or just a "wanna be" control freak?
my hands are shaking if that makes any sense or means anything regarding the issue of today;
lost control.

movin' on.
how hard could that be for me?
have done this so many times...
why move on then?
doing everything the same and then expecting different results is just pathetic and vulnerable.
so;
here is the difference;
not movin' on.

if i were someone else i still would wanna be me.
no idea why but just feel that way...
at this point there is no problem to find a solution for or to run away from... to move on due to.
loose the weight of all that keeps my head busy but not move on.
for a change, i'm staying.
goin' with the flow.

last night i have noticed so much
today is the 29 of february
which is once in every four years.
this should work for me!
this cycle of newe phase have messed me up big time...
and now is the time get out of it.
either get out and be there for good.
being nowhere for good can be actually good for anyone.
memories have come back to me last night, seeing childhood friends...
how we all have turned out to be is just noticeable.
it is so easy to tell we grew up together.

i can't believe it has been so long
the new phase is continuous so i believe this blog still works for me

the weird feeling i'm surrounded by is "repetition"
i'm still in the same circle
mistakes followed by mistakes
the only difference now is that i make them in full awareness
is this suppose to be good?

a week now that we have been wanting nothing but each other.
how good is that?
sucks...
he never calls me, but i know he wants to.
just doesn't wanna seem needy or something.
i can't tell what it is.
but whatever i am into he wants to be in it as well.
which is good....
only if he was the one, of course.
otherwise as usual this is nothing but a waste of time.
but since i am in deep shit. why bother?
after awhile it just feels good.... it is warm in here...
and can't get any worse.

what has come to me?
is this some sort of a test?
how un-ethical can she get?
it seems i got no limits...
i had wanted him for years now... and now i had him.
it wasn't good at all but i am feeling really good about myself.
i have no idea why!
plausible it sounds that two brother who don't enjoy each other very much both enjoy me heaps!
sounds weird as well.
not the context, just the monolog i am having.

i feel like i am back to where i was a few months ago.
most scarry thing is to be back where i began in the first place.
but that cannot be happening; just cannot.
so i don't feel the need to worry about that, at least not at the moment...
i am going to do something horrible; jsut don't know what it is right now.
i sound like this second is all i could just not solve and digest.
though it is tomorrow.

a moment that was so intimate is so far from me a few days later...
just want to go back in time and do whatever it takes to be loved again.
what a stupid silly idea to keep writing like this.
this blog is going to keep reminding me how tough and mistaken i was when it came to love.
or making love; whatever.
sometimes there is the act, sometimes there is the feeling.
but they don't seem to hang out together for the longest time ever...

today has become the day when i write as far as it goes...
i don't think it is because i am at the office, but rather i am in trouble, with men again.
actually with myself but what can i do?
it is impossible to get rid of myself.
where has all this come down to?!
suprisingly me!!

not knowing what u want is the worst.
making mistakes, huge mistakes is something i would prefer.
now i know what i want.
i want to make THE huge mistake; get involved.
i just don't know how; but i am sure it will come to me, just like all the rest...
this is another way of slipping out of it, they came to me; i ain't no mistaker.
whatever that means.
but sounds just fine to me!!!

at the office....
thinking of what to do what not to do...
a long list come up in my mind.
longer than i imagined it would be.
not scarry though. just got to move on.
this is not a way of running away but rather keeping a distance from memories of myself making mistakes.
does this keep me from learning from them?
"fuck me badly once shame on you, fuck me badly twice shame on me."

while wondering how much more deeper shit i could get myself into, i ended up in the deepest ever!
i wish i could say i wish to take it all back if i could; but no.
i am pretty fine with it.
i have become a pig for real, in deep shit and not bothered from this fact.
just rollin' around.

so far not so good. i guess...
not so sure as well then.
went on a business trip with the co-workers and not totally but actually slept with one.
a married one.
concious.
why?
a few ideas come to mind first.
but the reasons does not change the result.
slept with a married co-worker.
not really slept though tried big time!
if he were to ask if i still wanna go for it, i would. this is the embrassing part.
actually one of the embarrassing parts, many of which i don't even really want to go into.
having a man who wants you in bed has become a priority.
especially since i have made up my mind about breaking the cycle with a new phase there has been no limits whatsoever.
wanna love?
join me in death...

well then is it all about stopping writing here
there has been month i wrote nothing
not on purpose it just did not come up
and now i write again.
i thought i broke the chain
well i guess it was bigger and harder than i thought to begin with.
defining the problem well is the biggest step that would take you to the solution closer than u can imagine.
but sometimes we cannot see what is right underneath our noses.
a solution.
a relief.
a lover.
is that all we look for?

tonight is the night when all sins are forgiven if you just ask for it.
what else could anyone ask for?
I think I would ask for all my wishes to come true somehow.
this huge power of creation might do some good to those created in the first place.
where is the wrong i do? I am not saying the wrong i did because i know i am still doing it.
no doubt! no worries!
since i am still fine with my wrongs, then it is not to rush.
may be it is just time i need.
this blog was meant to keep my mind clean as i write during a phase when i was lonely.
since then i am lonely.
the harder i try the deeper this loneliness gets.
what to do what to do?

can't decide what to do
what to do?
got to bring out winter clothes.
though i am not ready for another season of loneliness...
got to do it anyway.
why bother with analysis of such shitty situations.
got a notebook to write this shit.
seriously this is shit!

here i am back to where i first began.
i hope this blog is being some use to someone out there.
considering the fact that i keep repeating my mistakes, this is no use to me.
once i though writing helped me understand better whatever i wrote.
i got the new job. actually i am at my new office my new desk...etc.
but still old me. what is this obsession i got about changing, old & new; whatever all bullshit.
i met a nice guy the saturday before. we spent the night together in a weird way, with a third person sleeping on the same bed with us and no kissing since we had not eaten by the time we started to touch and cuttle... so we ended up uniting in a weird way. i thought of leaving it all there in his apartment but as i rushed out of the door he asked for my msn address and i gave it to him.
what a mistake.
oh woman just leave it there alright i said to myself the day after. because i ended up obssessing with msn. i spent all that time on the net at my ex-offices talking about idiotic stuff to unnecessary people. and now no msn at work!! great news right :(
i spent 6,5 hours on the msn on the wednesday after our union.
since then i got a new phone number at home and cable internet connection. all i got to do is to get the wireless modem.
anyway the summary is; once everything is ready what is to come then?
am i gonna end up waiting to talk to him on the msn?
i wonder if he thinks about me at all?
what a classic scene...
god help me if i am to rush myself into anything ever again, but the thing is if i don't rush then nothing happens....

it is so stupid to keep waiting,
when is it gonna be someone else's turn to wait...
then i am gonna be late.

well well well
there is nothing worse than digging your own grave i guess.
no i don't guess, it is so.
all day i have been surfing the net thinking of everything. and in the end i kept on digging my own grave.
i quit my job and now i cant get a reply from the other company on the price....
i don't know how much i am worth but i do know that they don't know either.
now i am waiting to hear from them. if there is nothing, then i guess i am just unemployed.
what the fuck have i done i ask myself, then i notice this is just what i wanted what i needed. a huge crash, a great distraction that would take me away from that shit hole empty love life of mine.
now all i can think of is work work work.... for the last month or so. actually two months almost.
i have distracted myself big time!
now it is time again that i et back on my two feet!
get a career woman!!! now!
yes that is what i tell myself as well.
no more hours even days spent expecting a phonecall, no more nights going back and forth trying to decide whether to send a message or not, no more drinking heavily to forget all!
only work work work... i am gonna go to the gym straight from work today. i just wanna sweat and relax. take a nice shower and get my shit together.
there has been no reply form the future company about my price. i am hoping to hear from them something progressive. or i'll call the human resources tomorrow and make sure that they know that i am gonna start working there at the beginning of the next month. well hope so at least!
otherwise i am screwed! big time!

it is such a dissapointment for myself also to see others crash.
it's pretty effective to watch a sad movie, same goes for seeing a friend of yours crash on his head.
i have had many dissapointments with my love affairs, but at least i've had them. it must be harder to accept to never get there, never suffer since you never got to be the one.
may be it is just me, but sometimes i feel like it is enough for one person to love another for an affair to remember, even though the love is not reciprocal.
what a thought, this is why i am never available.
emotional overload.

so hard to get him out of my mind.
i guess there is a reason for everything.
i hope so.
i am obsessed with someone for the first time in a long time, may be for the first time (period).
since he notices me doesn't make love to me, unlike other guys i thought i was obsessed with.

i just wanna mate. there is no harm in that is there?
i don't think so.

well well well
now i know. life is never perfect. but this doesn't mean it cannot be pretty good.
i have fallen for my first love all over again when i met someone who appears to be exactly like him.
who ever whatever, i have these feelings that just make me feel 18 again. i know i am not old enough to make such a statement, but till a few years back., i would fall deadly in love, now all i got left is lust and desire.
i guess flesh gains importance as egocentricism and satisfaction become priorities in anything.
some men are just desirable. and i am full of desire. what can i say, i may be older but non the wiser.

so weird, i never thought i would be the sailors' type. but apparently anyone is.
last night i noticed what i am looking for.

how long before i get in? before it starts, before i begin? how long before you decide? before i know what it feels like? where do, where do i go? if you never tried, then you'll never know. how long do i have to climb, up on this side of this mountain of mine? look up, i look up at night, planets are moving at the speed of light. climb up, up in the trees, every chance that you get, is a chance you seize. how long am i gonna’ stand, with my head stuck under the sand? i’ll start before i can stop, before i see things the right way up. and all that noise, all that sound, all these pieces that i have found. and birds go flying at the speed of sound, to show you how it all began. birds come flying from the underground, if you could see it then you'd understand… ideas that you'll never find, all the inventors could never design. the buildings that you put up, japan and china all lit up. the sign that i couldn't read, or a light that i couldn't see, something’s you have to believe, but others are puzzles, puzzling me. and all that noise, all that sound, all those pieces that i have found. and birds go flying at the speed of sound, to show you how it all began. birds come flying from the underground, if you could see it then you'd understand, oh when you see it then you'll understand… all those signs, i knew what they meant. something’s you can invent. some get made, and some get sent, ooh… birds go flying at the speed of sound, to show you how it all began. birds came flying from the underground, if you could see it then you'd understand, oh, when you see it then you'll understand…

thank god for everything everyday they say.
but i prefer just enjoying it, since i'll have enough time with him once i'm gone
for good.

just came home. i drank a lot.
i saw my ex today. it was a bit hard on me. because he looked just fine, but i did not feel anything. i think my heart is stone at least towards him by now.
love is so weird, once a bitch always a bitch.
i come to think of it, sometimes i look around and i say to myself;
Beyza how did u do this? how come you are living in sydney, your own apartment, a new life, great friends, heaps of lovers, new clothes, new style but still old you?
and then i tell myself;
it is because who i am is good enough.

i am beginning to really enjoy old songs, classics in sydney. i am sleeping more, wanna stay home more. love tv more ( if that is possible ).
i am afraid to go home more.

i am so depressed at the moment.
i haven't felt this bad in a long time now.
everything is going so bad.
everything is so empty, so void for me.
i need time to change. i need time to feel again.
now that i come to think about it my life was much better everytime i pushed myself a bit further. love found me whenever i found myself. i have to change before a stroke finds me.

so little time left.
so much to do.
this dissertation will be on time.
may be off track though.

everyday is a new beginning
i say this everyday
the day is new but not what i'm saying.
so what's new if i say the same shit?
i guess it's the weather.

i am so gonna change
beginning from myself

if i had a choice would i want to start all over
or is it best to go through this forever
or at least someone else comes along and takes my breath away?
i think i am not in love
i am just not over it yet!!
not just yet! once i get myself together
reach my goals then everything is gonna just fine. may not gonna be perfect
but will be fine.

i am moved again
i don't think i can be over this right away
why?
why keep writing
as if you care!
just let me go.

two men in two hours are history now
one lved another man
loved got sacked
and i am doing wrong
just wrong
shit happens though

today is not my day
another hour to go still and i know it will keep on sucking me until it is officially over.
today i lost two men in two hours.
i believe i deserved it by making out with my girlfriends' ex-boyfriend but life is tough...
shit happens.

sharing is caring.

fine line betweeen pleasure and pain!!
i don't now what is wrong with me nowadays but i fell very agrasif. not that i am hitting people or anything but i am getting hurt very acutely.
how come have i become so sensitive whereas i have always been the one who did not care about what anyone said or did...
especially the question of accent or confusing languages...
i think i have been way over integrated into my environment that i forget where i am from.
got to stop doing that!
and better start working if i am gonna be a sociologist!

yea ohh i am a scientist!!

i ain'T my age at all!!
still teenager still nasty still naughty still not a settler!!
i thought it was time i setlle for whatever there is...
but now i realize it is not the age but me!
i thought if i waited long enough i would slow down.
but i am fast, it wasn'T youth that made me fast it is me!!
how horrible horrible news this is for all those who find some value in me.

my case!!
over.

resolution day.
so glad that this is over.
it was hard to keep my tears back.
but i did it.
i am strong enough to protect myself.
thank god!!

i believe it is getting better by the day
but still life is not perfect
althought still enyojable
looking forward to my trip!! every new city let's me take a part of it along when i'm leaving.
how do i live without these trips? if i ever stop travelling.
never i hope!! i'll never stop.
these days i have even began to wonder where to live next year. it is such a fulfilling feeling to know that you can go on living almost anywhere!
free as a bird...

i have decided to settle here. everyday i am becoming more of an aussie!
not that i am proud of it but just to reveal the truth i mentioned. that's all there is to it.
i am weird at least kind of weird.
finally i have found some people like me, after so many years in istanbul looking for those who are like me, they seem to have grown together here in sydney!
actually i have started to believe that everyone has their wordly twin here in sydney, everyone from all over the world has been dublicated and one let on its own where as the other is here on this huge island with the rest of us.
that's why i guess i don't miss people much, as long as they're not my beloved not really.
anyway i am living in this georgeous house, having some baileys with my neighrbour on my balcony, going dancing with cute guys, lying by the beach with friends...etc. i guess i found what i was looking for.
peace.

my life has always been like this
a rollercoaster made up of different phases.
it is not going up and down but the point is rather that it goes in a very different direction at one time from another.
god forbid i am sometimes afraid that i am just going to fall off!
what have done? i ask myself quiet often in the last couple of years.
i am growing to become more and more like peter sellers.
but i am no dr.strangelove or the pink panther!
i am just a girl whose intentions are good
but a girl who can never manage on her own although she believes she can.
how much longer will it take until i realize that i should forbid myself to make any decisions at all?
i know this blog sounds really dark and pessimistic and on the contrary my life is going very well everyday i meet new people see new places have new dreams about places i haven't been to people haven't met yet! may be it is this unknown coming at my door every morning that is freaking me out,
i am sure nothing can give me the creeps more than my downstairs neighbour! real bastard and a shame on his community!
anyway he is not ht eissue here, this new phase is mine! i can never change the theme of this blog since everytime a new phase is over it is nothing other than another new phase coming through as if my life was an emergency room and new phases come running in one after another all bleeding and scared but still firm.
i wish myself the best of all new phases from now on.

there are some songs that just have to touch you as they go by
and there are some songs that never go by.

if i was water or fire
if i never talked but was a stone
would you still play with me?

watch the sunrise say your goodbyes off we go some conversation no contemplation hit the road car overheats jump out of my seat on the side of the highway baby our road is long your hold is strong please don't ever let go oh no i know i don't know you but i want you so bad everyone has a secret but can they keep it oh no they can't driving fast now don't think i know how to go slow where you at now i feel around there you are cool these engines calm these jets i ask you how hot can it get and as you wipe of beads of sweat slowly you say 'i'm not there yet!'

god let me meet someone
someone just like me

movies touch me very often because they are all about those living far far away, and now i am one. al these years i never enyojed the local music, never enjoyed songs in my native language. now i know why, just so that i would not listen to them when i am so far, i would not listen to them so that i would not touch me like those movies that used to touch me when i was not far far away but the people were.

there is nothing local about me now that i see myself living somewhere so far so different.
everyone said that i would get homesick, everyone said don't go.
i am glad i never ever listen to anyone.
i am glad i am here through this experience of my life.
may be even bigger experiences are going to come and meet me in the future.
for now this is who and where i am.
life is though i used to say.
now i know it was always me making it tougher.

going away for christmas early tomorrow morning
kind of excited a bit anxious and very enthusiastic
these days have been very very occupying lately.
every weekend i am staying somewhere else.
this is what abroad experience is all about I believe.
sometimes i fell like just reading on the front porch.
sometimes i feel like reading at the beach.
but mostly i just live the life given rather then reading others'...

i love this city, wish beloveds were here too.

everyday something new is coming up! i am glad to be around! feeling free, kind of.
there are still things on my mind, dissapointment, future aspirations, hopes and believes...
just like any other ordinary person.
but this journey is one that those ordinaries would not go on with!
coward freaks!

i am where i wanna be
i wish my beloved did not have to go home and could stay here with me.

for the first time ever i gambled today
and won!!
the reason behind me losing my lovers has just occured to my mind; gambling.
the loser in club has become the winner in casinos i guess.
new phase!!!

the books i ordered on the 1st of this month have not arrived yet. i am really worried now. but on the other hand everything is going great. the term is over, and i have a visitor from home. we are going everywhere together. i am having a great time. but we are shopping too much i guess. so i am worried that my stuff won't fit into my bags on my way home. if i go home of course.

by the way i have been having some trouble nowadays
i wanna mention that
the thing is i am reading too much too fast which is a costly habit.
they always said read read read! reading is good, improve yourself. now i just cannot afford it financially!! all these books i got in my room!! who the hell is going to carry them back home!! will i stay or will i go? i have no idea.
and since saturday, i have been trying to control myself to not to purchase books since some of my books are on the way both from amazon and from home.
but i may loose myself at any moment!!!!

a day to the reunion.
big day tomorrow!! i have so much to handle, before the reunion.
kind of excited, since i will have someone on my side, although temporary, still feels good.

it has only been a few days since i freed myself from the papers to be written by writing them.
and since then i am on a roll!!!
i never had a moment to stop and think, i have been to the beach, to movies, to shopping, to have a cup of coffee over a few laughs with friends.
i like this.

now i will have more time to think about everything
when i say everything i mean somethings
oh life sucks, so does love.

it is time to submit the last paper of the term.
should i be prud?
i think i am only depressed.
i do not like summer.
every summer another disaster come to visit me not as a friend but as a foe.
scary ha! i got mail today, from the significant other. anyone who knows me knows there is only one significant other, this goes for anyone.
kind of cool though kind of tough, but definitely painful.

somersault- finally!!
today is my day
a local movie, a local novel
and come Cd's from the discount
nice day is today.
dinner tonight ,
nice italian dinner.
nice night is tonight.

this new phase is like a boomerang
just keeps coming back to where it first begin
all those tears for nothing
if he wanted me back would I go back
me asking myself this question is ironic enough
and yes I would go back
but not because of him
because of my love for the past anything good or bad if it is in the past i want it back
as if i would be the me i was then
that is never going to happen
i do not know what it is that makes me believe in me to go back
and why why why do i do this
after days of thinking of stupid stuff that had never occured to me before and now when i get a few words in the subject all of a sudden things change my focus my life changes because of something so little
this only means that i have not settled my life on hard enough grounds
is it too late to achieve this now
or am i who i am
someone who wants to go back.

so much has happened
nothing is a big deal anymore
it's because i have grown

what a nice weekend i had
just when i thought my hopes had vanished along with the words i typed all week
now one more to go
then i'll be free not as a bird but as me.
something is always better than nothing i believe.
my paranoias are coming and going
i am looking forward to the day they will leave me alone for good.

de-lovely!
i am quiet keen when it comes to musical.
i cannot keep back from loving it all.
including ghost-busters!

take my photo off the wall if it just won't sing for you 'cause all that's left has gone away and there's nothing there for you to prove oh, look what you've done you've made a fool of everyone oh well, it seems likes such fun until you lose what you had won give me back my point of view 'cause i just can't think for you i can hardly hear you say what should i do, well you choose oh, look what you've done you've made a fool of everyone oh well, it seems likes such fun until you lose what you had won oh, look what you've done you've made a fool of everyone a fool of everyone a fool of everyone take my photo off the wall if it just won't sing for you 'cause all that's left has gone away and there's nothing there for you to do oh, look what you've done you've made a fool of everyone oh well, it seems likes such fun until you lose what you had won oh, look what you've done you've made a fool of everyone a fool of everyone a fool of everyone

slept half the day!
unbelieveable
when time is so precious
i spent it on dreaming.

a new day
last chance to get this over with
oh please please something come here and inspire me!!

got 3 papers due friday
going to the movies in 30 minutes
got 1 hell of a character
and the guts.

i wish i had you with me.
just for the fun of it.

ok time to confess:
i hate the O.C.!!
everybody sleeps with everybody!
nobody loves anybody!
what is this deal with bodies!?

got to give myself so time.
what is this deal with time.
nothing. no time.

i have to take my mind off of things. i do not know how to do it but i know i will. especially once all this mess is over; everythings gonna be different. why care at all. i believe it is because i am growing. i never new this experience could change me so much. where is old me, there is even an old me which means there is a new me which is fabulous! i guess.

time is going by so fast
i cannot believe how long it has been
it is actually not good that all my special dates are same dates with festivals and holidays, because this challenges my memory from forgetting things i do not wanna have in mind anymore

italian film festival
cute cute cute

new decision
new phases
new beginning
if there were no new ends all this would never have happened
why am i stuck on few people
why still wonder still think still wanna make up for left behinds
because i am growing
i guess

dreams dreams dreams
i know i sound patheticly poetic
but this is what life made out of me
thinking about the old days that won't be back
as if they were amazing or anything close to perfection
whereas today is new and fresh and naive
thinking yesterday wondering about tomorrow
today is just dead.
by now.

i wonder if other people screw up as often as i do
i wonder if other people screw up at all

got to do better tomorrow
i really want to get done with this.

feeling much more better
i really don't give a shit about these last few days anymore
it seems i can be pushed too far also.

everything is out in the open now
i feel much better
this is the kind of person i am
i cannot be any other way.
everything has to be out in the open
rather than a problem in my subconciousness.

new beginning
i love new beginnings.
i wish they worked out so that i would not need them
in the first place.

i am such a failure to myself.

i am really living in sydney
i realized that tonight
i have become one of everyone
and of course it brings along many things
to be a local ...

too many plans again!!
beach, canberra, friday night party, late shopping night....
when will the plans concerning uni will come true I wonder.

i was not sad
but mad.
then wondered why
and it got worse
i mean the madness.

great grandmother passed away this morning
so they told me.

again back to where it all first began
the same mood
same timing
starving but for something else
craving for the feeling

night of june.
when will a love that broad will find me?
am i suppose to be in search?
could not sleep all night, staring at the ceiling at a strangers bed.
what happens if such an experience never finds me again
what am i suppose to do where am i suppose to stand so that my life intersects with his
he who is not the one
but the someone

got to study, but again as soon as i open my eyes see the daylight i cannot hold myself from going out!
almost two weeks of vacation and i read nothing.
congratulationsss:))