sometimes you just need to lay down and wonder
the thoughts and dreams that come to your mind are real wishful thinking
what we want at that point is what we really truely want
it is what we have put our hearts into

life is not worth living if there is no misery no challenges
what is fulfilling happens as you are standing up after a fall

all these years i've been writing here, naming it "new phase" thinking the new phase was then.
looking back all that i've been through, i realize it is right about now that the new phase is about to begin.

here is the test:
does something that you truely want come true or is it just plain hurtful to put your heart into it?

bohemian bourgeois is what i long to become
whereas if i was one i would only be embarrassed to say how

dreaming dreamy dream

acceptance: ability to accept all as whoever they are
i lack that as well.

i have lost the ability to enjoy today
due to my high expectations from tomorrow

it is so freeing to be abroad sometimes
though it is clear that the same cycles of failure are waiting for me back home
the travel just wants to linger on me

it is in a month that i shall change my life forever
make it even harder on myself
but better for everyone

it is over a month now that i decided for the newphase to rebegin since it doesn't end
another month until i am there to take the step and leave it to the flow
after that not another day will go by where i won't think i did what's right
for me...

somewhere over the rainbow

there are sailors who can make it to the point where they can see the land
and they drown meters from saviour
there are sailors who just give up and the mermaid finds them at the beach
all handsome and sweet

they say it's never too late
and then they say carpe diem
isn't it waste of time to built a healthy future
when its only consequence is a crappy today

only if he called
i am sure i wrote something very familiar many years back
and the same dependancy still exists in me after all that i have been through
why try to swim when you can just hit the bottom and rest in peace?
if this wasn't instinctive i would long be gone & havin' a great time in heaven

does love fade away?
or is it just pushed away
when we just cannot have that person
am i ever going to be over him
or is this for good that
no matter what i find out about him
how bad it is that he treats me
i am stack with this subversively intense feeling of
wanting to make him happy
but also wondering to know about it all

there are point in your life when words don't make sense anymore
how would anyone explain anything to her/himself with no words
that is i believe called dreaming, my fav
when i first started writing this blog i imagined that it would be a phase
eventually end bcs everything would be so perfect, why write it
well apparently nothing is perfect as well as nobody

writing here feels like home
i look back and see that i have inclined to stay away
whenever feelings are intense and i have hope
so the sight and the dates of the blogs are a sign of my hopelessness
sort of cute in a way
in many ways, just pathetic and i love it!

If I was young, I'd flee this town
I'd bury my dreams underground
As did I, we drink to die, we drink tonight
Far from home, elephant gun
Let's take them down one by one
We'll lay it down, it's not been found, it's not around
Let the seasons begin - it rolls right on
Let the seasons begin - take the big game down
Let the seasons begin - it rolls right on
Let the seasons begin - take the big game down
And it rips through the silence of our camp at night
And it rips through the night
And it rips through the silence of our camp at night
And it rips through the silence, all that is left is all that I hide

I have grown to deal with more, suffer more, deeper pain and almost no courage to yield. Does this make me stronger or a coward? Rather than getting up on my feet and putting on a fight, choosing to sit on a chair of needles is the hard choice. So; in this case the hard choice has become addictive... Addicted to pain, am i?