2004/04/28

i am fucking jealous!
why do these married couples keep running into me!!
literally actually running into me!
why?
what kind of a life would i have then
and what kind of a life do i have now...
or am gonna have soon.
he got married.
i knew it since he stopped writing me
but marriage isn't that a huge deal?
i don't know how he feels about the woman he married but i suppose he married a "woman".
anyway i wrote him a long reply asking him billions of questions.
hopefully i'll be informed soon...
but i am so confused nw
the idea that it could be me whom he just married few months ago...
soulseek made me lose my soul!
i spent too much today as usual.
i don't want new staff i cannot take all with me.
those left behind will go bad eventually...
silly me!

2004/04/27

free for almost 3 more daysss!!!
heyo!!

2004/04/26

since i applied for masters
i have done nothing but throwing out my staff as garbage
and i feel i am gonna be doing this for a while
par example: till i'm gone for good...
i don't want any tv today!! reading listening but no watching!!
oh god i did not know that i got myself so tired.
why do i do this to myself
never rest
why
who the fuck is paying me to rock myself apart...
for the first time in history i got myself a local cd
totally full of old times turkish songs
mostly love songs
no man to love
but my heart is obivously full of it...

2004/04/22

hey dude
let's make it happen!

2004/04/20

got to go back there
have to sleep at some point
but the one i am seeing nowadays is much more realistic since evil forces do not scare me anymore.
i cannot sleep at night nowadays.
i have the exact same dream every night no matter what.
that is why i cannot sleep right now.
i don't wanna go back there.
the same thing had happened to me when i was a kid.
i used to see myself in a train station with a couch and the train went by without stopping every time and i had to run after it.
or hide myself behind the couch because of the evil forces...etc.
now i am not as comfortable telling the dream i am having nowadays as telling my childhood dream because i am still under the influence of it.
too late..
thrown away.
each and every day.
i am on a road which i have no idea where it ends.
and once you're there got to move on other wise you get lost.
anything that has a beginning is said to be having an end.
so i will get somewhere someday hopefully soon.
why do i never think of men so desperately.
there are although few some people who are dying to have boyfriend, who think that they are in love with anyone who asks them out; and here i am so picky!
there women who can love any man back.and when thing so wrong they say it is just was not meant to be. then why did u do it?
why?
because these girls are so desperate, so scared to go out there are chase what could be best for them.
thank god i am not one of them.
no man is my life.
when i love i really do so for many years.
not a few months even weeks
my love my sexuality is still mine, not in the market.
thanks god that you have given me all that i have, and will have.

2004/04/19

my apartment is full of guys again!!
these football games made me quiet popular!
beer and footbal...
i am going male!!!
yaz bana be koçum!
iki kelime olsun yaz bana.
did a hell of a shopping!
i hope it is quiet cold over there cause the staff on sale was onyly sweater!
uniteed colors of benetton...

2004/04/16

i have been expectins e-mails from many men for the last couple of days.
none have written yet.
what i am scared of is that it might be too late when they do.
isn't this the traditional ritual of love and affection?
i watch hell of a movies today!
istanbul film festival took place at my apartment!
i feel so satisfied...intellectually!
i am gonna fantasise great staff up until the moment when they come true!

2004/04/14

i love u jay jay
i love u jay jay
i have all these visions in my mind about how things are going to work out,
but there is this feeling in my hearts that says it is gonna work out much better!
i have applied for masters' degree in australia today.

2004/04/10

i am getting dressed to go out enjoy the sun and the market of youth!
chat with my friends.
i feel so good about all of this going on in my life.
this excitement is growing by the minute.
we all have started to get drawn in the details when the admission is unknown.
oh please this one month should go by so fast that i might remember it as if it was a day when i am through this.
many people went and came back from different contexts.
but i feel like my experience is going to be different.
that it is going to change my life so permanently that i won't be back.
people are only experts in suffering.
but i know how to enjoy what i have.
nobody knows this blogspot.
on my own here it seems.
i cannot take this anymoree!
this is a repeatition of myself again!
i know!
but the stress is too much, i just don't think i can take it anymore.
i need some time off, and it's coming.

2004/04/09

this is so weared.
i know i seem to repeat myself but this is true.
i am in such a rush to apply for masters degree in australia.
this has been my ultimate dream since i was seven,
since i was concious of my existence in other words.
now i gotto sit down and tell those people over there how much i want what they have...

2004/04/03

i am going to prague!!
oh my god!!
this is a dream come true!!
hey dude!
let's make it happen!
8 o'clock 1stbirthday
10o'clock 2nd birthday
midnignt 3rd birthday
.......
dancing until the morning.
i should have dressed better!!
birthday parties tripledd!!!
oh my god!!
do i get tired?
it doesn't seem to be so...
two birthday parties to attend tomorrow night.
oh my god!
fun is like a cancer!!
friday!!
dinner, a movie...
friends!!
disco, lots of dancing...