a week now that we have been wanting nothing but each other.
how good is that?
sucks...
he never calls me, but i know he wants to.
just doesn't wanna seem needy or something.
i can't tell what it is.
but whatever i am into he wants to be in it as well.
which is good....
only if he was the one, of course.
otherwise as usual this is nothing but a waste of time.
but since i am in deep shit. why bother?
after awhile it just feels good.... it is warm in here...
and can't get any worse.
2006/12/13
what has come to me?
is this some sort of a test?
how un-ethical can she get?
it seems i got no limits...
i had wanted him for years now... and now i had him.
it wasn't good at all but i am feeling really good about myself.
i have no idea why!
plausible it sounds that two brother who don't enjoy each other very much both enjoy me heaps!
sounds weird as well.
not the context, just the monolog i am having.
is this some sort of a test?
how un-ethical can she get?
it seems i got no limits...
i had wanted him for years now... and now i had him.
it wasn't good at all but i am feeling really good about myself.
i have no idea why!
plausible it sounds that two brother who don't enjoy each other very much both enjoy me heaps!
sounds weird as well.
not the context, just the monolog i am having.
i feel like i am back to where i was a few months ago.
most scarry thing is to be back where i began in the first place.
but that cannot be happening; just cannot.
so i don't feel the need to worry about that, at least not at the moment...
i am going to do something horrible; jsut don't know what it is right now.
i sound like this second is all i could just not solve and digest.
though it is tomorrow.
most scarry thing is to be back where i began in the first place.
but that cannot be happening; just cannot.
so i don't feel the need to worry about that, at least not at the moment...
i am going to do something horrible; jsut don't know what it is right now.
i sound like this second is all i could just not solve and digest.
though it is tomorrow.
a moment that was so intimate is so far from me a few days later...
just want to go back in time and do whatever it takes to be loved again.
what a stupid silly idea to keep writing like this.
this blog is going to keep reminding me how tough and mistaken i was when it came to love.
or making love; whatever.
sometimes there is the act, sometimes there is the feeling.
but they don't seem to hang out together for the longest time ever...
just want to go back in time and do whatever it takes to be loved again.
what a stupid silly idea to keep writing like this.
this blog is going to keep reminding me how tough and mistaken i was when it came to love.
or making love; whatever.
sometimes there is the act, sometimes there is the feeling.
but they don't seem to hang out together for the longest time ever...
2006/12/12
not knowing what u want is the worst.
making mistakes, huge mistakes is something i would prefer.
now i know what i want.
i want to make THE huge mistake; get involved.
i just don't know how; but i am sure it will come to me, just like all the rest...
this is another way of slipping out of it, they came to me; i ain't no mistaker.
whatever that means.
but sounds just fine to me!!!
making mistakes, huge mistakes is something i would prefer.
now i know what i want.
i want to make THE huge mistake; get involved.
i just don't know how; but i am sure it will come to me, just like all the rest...
this is another way of slipping out of it, they came to me; i ain't no mistaker.
whatever that means.
but sounds just fine to me!!!
at the office....
thinking of what to do what not to do...
a long list come up in my mind.
longer than i imagined it would be.
not scarry though. just got to move on.
this is not a way of running away but rather keeping a distance from memories of myself making mistakes.
does this keep me from learning from them?
"fuck me badly once shame on you, fuck me badly twice shame on me."
thinking of what to do what not to do...
a long list come up in my mind.
longer than i imagined it would be.
not scarry though. just got to move on.
this is not a way of running away but rather keeping a distance from memories of myself making mistakes.
does this keep me from learning from them?
"fuck me badly once shame on you, fuck me badly twice shame on me."
2006/12/11
so far not so good. i guess...
not so sure as well then.
went on a business trip with the co-workers and not totally but actually slept with one.
a married one.
concious.
why?
a few ideas come to mind first.
but the reasons does not change the result.
slept with a married co-worker.
not really slept though tried big time!
if he were to ask if i still wanna go for it, i would. this is the embrassing part.
actually one of the embarrassing parts, many of which i don't even really want to go into.
having a man who wants you in bed has become a priority.
especially since i have made up my mind about breaking the cycle with a new phase there has been no limits whatsoever.
wanna love?
join me in death...
not so sure as well then.
went on a business trip with the co-workers and not totally but actually slept with one.
a married one.
concious.
why?
a few ideas come to mind first.
but the reasons does not change the result.
slept with a married co-worker.
not really slept though tried big time!
if he were to ask if i still wanna go for it, i would. this is the embrassing part.
actually one of the embarrassing parts, many of which i don't even really want to go into.
having a man who wants you in bed has become a priority.
especially since i have made up my mind about breaking the cycle with a new phase there has been no limits whatsoever.
wanna love?
join me in death...
2006/10/19
well then is it all about stopping writing here
there has been month i wrote nothing
not on purpose it just did not come up
and now i write again.
i thought i broke the chain
well i guess it was bigger and harder than i thought to begin with.
defining the problem well is the biggest step that would take you to the solution closer than u can imagine.
but sometimes we cannot see what is right underneath our noses.
a solution.
a relief.
a lover.
is that all we look for?
there has been month i wrote nothing
not on purpose it just did not come up
and now i write again.
i thought i broke the chain
well i guess it was bigger and harder than i thought to begin with.
defining the problem well is the biggest step that would take you to the solution closer than u can imagine.
but sometimes we cannot see what is right underneath our noses.
a solution.
a relief.
a lover.
is that all we look for?
tonight is the night when all sins are forgiven if you just ask for it.
what else could anyone ask for?
I think I would ask for all my wishes to come true somehow.
this huge power of creation might do some good to those created in the first place.
where is the wrong i do? I am not saying the wrong i did because i know i am still doing it.
no doubt! no worries!
since i am still fine with my wrongs, then it is not to rush.
may be it is just time i need.
this blog was meant to keep my mind clean as i write during a phase when i was lonely.
since then i am lonely.
the harder i try the deeper this loneliness gets.
what to do what to do?
what else could anyone ask for?
I think I would ask for all my wishes to come true somehow.
this huge power of creation might do some good to those created in the first place.
where is the wrong i do? I am not saying the wrong i did because i know i am still doing it.
no doubt! no worries!
since i am still fine with my wrongs, then it is not to rush.
may be it is just time i need.
this blog was meant to keep my mind clean as i write during a phase when i was lonely.
since then i am lonely.
the harder i try the deeper this loneliness gets.
what to do what to do?
2006/10/16
2006/10/12
here i am back to where i first began.
i hope this blog is being some use to someone out there.
considering the fact that i keep repeating my mistakes, this is no use to me.
once i though writing helped me understand better whatever i wrote.
i got the new job. actually i am at my new office my new desk...etc.
but still old me. what is this obsession i got about changing, old & new; whatever all bullshit.
i met a nice guy the saturday before. we spent the night together in a weird way, with a third person sleeping on the same bed with us and no kissing since we had not eaten by the time we started to touch and cuttle... so we ended up uniting in a weird way. i thought of leaving it all there in his apartment but as i rushed out of the door he asked for my msn address and i gave it to him.
what a mistake.
oh woman just leave it there alright i said to myself the day after. because i ended up obssessing with msn. i spent all that time on the net at my ex-offices talking about idiotic stuff to unnecessary people. and now no msn at work!! great news right :(
i spent 6,5 hours on the msn on the wednesday after our union.
since then i got a new phone number at home and cable internet connection. all i got to do is to get the wireless modem.
anyway the summary is; once everything is ready what is to come then?
am i gonna end up waiting to talk to him on the msn?
i wonder if he thinks about me at all?
what a classic scene...
god help me if i am to rush myself into anything ever again, but the thing is if i don't rush then nothing happens....
i hope this blog is being some use to someone out there.
considering the fact that i keep repeating my mistakes, this is no use to me.
once i though writing helped me understand better whatever i wrote.
i got the new job. actually i am at my new office my new desk...etc.
but still old me. what is this obsession i got about changing, old & new; whatever all bullshit.
i met a nice guy the saturday before. we spent the night together in a weird way, with a third person sleeping on the same bed with us and no kissing since we had not eaten by the time we started to touch and cuttle... so we ended up uniting in a weird way. i thought of leaving it all there in his apartment but as i rushed out of the door he asked for my msn address and i gave it to him.
what a mistake.
oh woman just leave it there alright i said to myself the day after. because i ended up obssessing with msn. i spent all that time on the net at my ex-offices talking about idiotic stuff to unnecessary people. and now no msn at work!! great news right :(
i spent 6,5 hours on the msn on the wednesday after our union.
since then i got a new phone number at home and cable internet connection. all i got to do is to get the wireless modem.
anyway the summary is; once everything is ready what is to come then?
am i gonna end up waiting to talk to him on the msn?
i wonder if he thinks about me at all?
what a classic scene...
god help me if i am to rush myself into anything ever again, but the thing is if i don't rush then nothing happens....
2006/09/20
well well well
there is nothing worse than digging your own grave i guess.
no i don't guess, it is so.
all day i have been surfing the net thinking of everything. and in the end i kept on digging my own grave.
i quit my job and now i cant get a reply from the other company on the price....
i don't know how much i am worth but i do know that they don't know either.
now i am waiting to hear from them. if there is nothing, then i guess i am just unemployed.
what the fuck have i done i ask myself, then i notice this is just what i wanted what i needed. a huge crash, a great distraction that would take me away from that shit hole empty love life of mine.
now all i can think of is work work work.... for the last month or so. actually two months almost.
i have distracted myself big time!
now it is time again that i et back on my two feet!
get a career woman!!! now!
yes that is what i tell myself as well.
no more hours even days spent expecting a phonecall, no more nights going back and forth trying to decide whether to send a message or not, no more drinking heavily to forget all!
only work work work... i am gonna go to the gym straight from work today. i just wanna sweat and relax. take a nice shower and get my shit together.
there has been no reply form the future company about my price. i am hoping to hear from them something progressive. or i'll call the human resources tomorrow and make sure that they know that i am gonna start working there at the beginning of the next month. well hope so at least!
otherwise i am screwed! big time!
there is nothing worse than digging your own grave i guess.
no i don't guess, it is so.
all day i have been surfing the net thinking of everything. and in the end i kept on digging my own grave.
i quit my job and now i cant get a reply from the other company on the price....
i don't know how much i am worth but i do know that they don't know either.
now i am waiting to hear from them. if there is nothing, then i guess i am just unemployed.
what the fuck have i done i ask myself, then i notice this is just what i wanted what i needed. a huge crash, a great distraction that would take me away from that shit hole empty love life of mine.
now all i can think of is work work work.... for the last month or so. actually two months almost.
i have distracted myself big time!
now it is time again that i et back on my two feet!
get a career woman!!! now!
yes that is what i tell myself as well.
no more hours even days spent expecting a phonecall, no more nights going back and forth trying to decide whether to send a message or not, no more drinking heavily to forget all!
only work work work... i am gonna go to the gym straight from work today. i just wanna sweat and relax. take a nice shower and get my shit together.
there has been no reply form the future company about my price. i am hoping to hear from them something progressive. or i'll call the human resources tomorrow and make sure that they know that i am gonna start working there at the beginning of the next month. well hope so at least!
otherwise i am screwed! big time!
2006/01/20
it is such a dissapointment for myself also to see others crash.
it's pretty effective to watch a sad movie, same goes for seeing a friend of yours crash on his head.
i have had many dissapointments with my love affairs, but at least i've had them. it must be harder to accept to never get there, never suffer since you never got to be the one.
may be it is just me, but sometimes i feel like it is enough for one person to love another for an affair to remember, even though the love is not reciprocal.
what a thought, this is why i am never available.
emotional overload.
it's pretty effective to watch a sad movie, same goes for seeing a friend of yours crash on his head.
i have had many dissapointments with my love affairs, but at least i've had them. it must be harder to accept to never get there, never suffer since you never got to be the one.
may be it is just me, but sometimes i feel like it is enough for one person to love another for an affair to remember, even though the love is not reciprocal.
what a thought, this is why i am never available.
emotional overload.
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