a week now that we have been wanting nothing but each other.
how good is that?
sucks...
he never calls me, but i know he wants to.
just doesn't wanna seem needy or something.
i can't tell what it is.
but whatever i am into he wants to be in it as well.
which is good....
only if he was the one, of course.
otherwise as usual this is nothing but a waste of time.
but since i am in deep shit. why bother?
after awhile it just feels good.... it is warm in here...
and can't get any worse.

what has come to me?
is this some sort of a test?
how un-ethical can she get?
it seems i got no limits...
i had wanted him for years now... and now i had him.
it wasn't good at all but i am feeling really good about myself.
i have no idea why!
plausible it sounds that two brother who don't enjoy each other very much both enjoy me heaps!
sounds weird as well.
not the context, just the monolog i am having.

i feel like i am back to where i was a few months ago.
most scarry thing is to be back where i began in the first place.
but that cannot be happening; just cannot.
so i don't feel the need to worry about that, at least not at the moment...
i am going to do something horrible; jsut don't know what it is right now.
i sound like this second is all i could just not solve and digest.
though it is tomorrow.

a moment that was so intimate is so far from me a few days later...
just want to go back in time and do whatever it takes to be loved again.
what a stupid silly idea to keep writing like this.
this blog is going to keep reminding me how tough and mistaken i was when it came to love.
or making love; whatever.
sometimes there is the act, sometimes there is the feeling.
but they don't seem to hang out together for the longest time ever...

today has become the day when i write as far as it goes...
i don't think it is because i am at the office, but rather i am in trouble, with men again.
actually with myself but what can i do?
it is impossible to get rid of myself.
where has all this come down to?!
suprisingly me!!

not knowing what u want is the worst.
making mistakes, huge mistakes is something i would prefer.
now i know what i want.
i want to make THE huge mistake; get involved.
i just don't know how; but i am sure it will come to me, just like all the rest...
this is another way of slipping out of it, they came to me; i ain't no mistaker.
whatever that means.
but sounds just fine to me!!!

at the office....
thinking of what to do what not to do...
a long list come up in my mind.
longer than i imagined it would be.
not scarry though. just got to move on.
this is not a way of running away but rather keeping a distance from memories of myself making mistakes.
does this keep me from learning from them?
"fuck me badly once shame on you, fuck me badly twice shame on me."

while wondering how much more deeper shit i could get myself into, i ended up in the deepest ever!
i wish i could say i wish to take it all back if i could; but no.
i am pretty fine with it.
i have become a pig for real, in deep shit and not bothered from this fact.
just rollin' around.

so far not so good. i guess...
not so sure as well then.
went on a business trip with the co-workers and not totally but actually slept with one.
a married one.
concious.
why?
a few ideas come to mind first.
but the reasons does not change the result.
slept with a married co-worker.
not really slept though tried big time!
if he were to ask if i still wanna go for it, i would. this is the embrassing part.
actually one of the embarrassing parts, many of which i don't even really want to go into.
having a man who wants you in bed has become a priority.
especially since i have made up my mind about breaking the cycle with a new phase there has been no limits whatsoever.
wanna love?
join me in death...