i had a breakfast with the dearest of all friends this morning.
my first friend ever.
all the questions in my mind are all answered now.
i don't do anything from now on.
no enthusiastic approaches to guys or bags or serials ...
actually no approaches at all!!
i feel much better now!
oh my life!
it is so different then how i thought it would be when i was ten.
i could not even think of how my life would be then because it was all about seizing the moment then.
why can't it be so now? today?
does age make such a huge difference in my life? in our lives?
isn't it all about who you are? rather then who you are suppose to be at a specified age!
i feel good!!
now. today. ever.

shopping is no solution, neither serials on tv!
i get too much involved in whatever i watch, read, eat or even think of for a second.
my world is no way identical or even similar with the one i think i'm into.
i fucked up so well !!
sometimes i think i should be proud of myself.
such an original way of fucking myself!!
thank u
thank u all...

no way i give up!

good morning!
hello!
good morning!
hello!
where is ernie?
i don't know!!

what the fuck am i doing with my life?
only chance i have been given is slipping away and i am the audience i the front row as if it is soo crucial to be the vip!
i got to get myself back together.
i am sorry that "back" was written mistakenly.
because i have never been "together" before, at least not in this life time.
i got to go back and look for my self-esteem; i think i left it somewhere...

i just got home.
i love my home.
i realize that now.
i just spent a delightfull evening with a very generous gentlemen.
i had the very best of all times ever if we consider the last few months exclusively.
i think this can even be called a "date" in every sense.
i want this column to be all about me tonight.
i wish myself the very best of everything.
i thank myself for the wish.

everday is a new beginning.
and i am tired of it.
beginning all over again is not as easy as it looks to be on this page.
have i lost it?
joy!?

i do have feelings but only for myself.
somedays i like myself, sometimes i don't.
that's all!
nowadays.

he was totally out of sight, still my desire for him is gone.
why so fast and so furious?
for whom will my feelings last longer then one or two dates?
my be this is how things are suppose to work out in the first place.
i thought i would be more upset when i find out that i ain't gonna see him today, but no.
i was even glad that i did not have to go through the stress of a date, any date.
am i the only one to think that i am too young to give up on myself?
somebody pleeeaseeee say somethinggg!!!

i thought nothing was gonna change.
but for the first time in a long while i must admit the fact that i was wrong.
things changed.
and they did send no memorandum beforehand.
they just changed.
i was terrified, and nobody else was.
so i was terrified a second time.
how much cooler could any community ever be?
i fell as if refrigerators are walking around all day long.
and you know they don't go tired at all.
i wonder why?
no i just lied, i know the reason already.
life taught me some staff.
although i don't feel like it i'm gonna see my true love tomorrow.
this exhuastive life has put me at some spot where i could never image myself, maturity.
i think i just lost my self-esteem, confidence in myself...etc. whatever!!!
i wish i could change prior to things, rather than vise versa.
where has my joy gone?
got killed by a bomb, or a cold-hearted man.
but got killed in every sense.
joy.
such a nice word to pronounce.
such a tough thing to feel nowadays.
although i'm quiet strong; not in every sense.
do i need him?
no.
do i want him?
desperately.
do i think that i'm gonna change my mind tomorrow?
totally!!
why am i doing this to myself?
no idea.
(i think this is the most cruel part of it all!)

i got nothing again.
totally nothing.
partly or totally it really does not matter as long as it is nothing we are talking about.
i am high again.
totally high.
thank you.
what i got in my blood is no external material actually.
but something totally internal.
what the hell!!
i am not even sure what i am talking about.
these small kind of tours around the theme are making me sick.
anyway, the summary of my last couple of days is that i got nothing.
i now i am not sure if i want anything.
well to be more precise there is someone i really would enjoy the company of for the rest of my life.
but the distance seems so huge that it makes my desire even more although the possibility of me having his compny gets lots on its way home.
i am home by the way.
just as a reminder.
i have had plans beforehand but i am confused now.
i have to find out what to do.
no change in plans is ever done for good.
and i don't think it is a good idea for me to leave town when the guy i wanna see is in town.
but if i begin making sacrifices even before the relationship what the hell will i offer the guy when we get together?
do you sense my optimism at this point?
we are gonna get together?
good point i made there.
go girl!!

i just can't sleep.
fuckin' sick of rolling around in bed.
so tired of it.
i either got to get someone to hold on to or sleep on the sofa.
every door leads to the same room
every key opens the same lock.
every thought considers him.
i have to do something about it now or never.
this new phase must stop messing with my life.

i haven't had the chance to talk to anyone in detail about all that has been going on.
actually those i told in short did not seem to take me seriously.
i am really quiet serious about the whole falling in love thing.
actually really serious!!
i wonder if anyone notices how i seem to close in.
closure.
tough staff to manage.
staaaaf.
i have been there before, but i was just younger and more enthusiastic about new experiences.
all that i asked for nowadays was peace.
and it isn't on its way here at all as it seems.

he is totally pathetic i have been told.
but still i am where i was few hours ago.what should be done for me to move on is not known.
the idea here is not to report what is going on but help me clear up my mind!
at least i am trying to help myself one way or another.
his face is just in front of my eyes.
the vision doesn't go away no matter what i do.
and the worst part is that i like this.
pain is making me alive.
i feel so full of life and everything.
what does not kill you makes you stronger.
now i see the truth in the saying.

i am where you left me few hours ago.
just at that point.
not a step further.
i wish i was new now.
i wish i could trust myself that something would change in an instant and that i would be where i wanna be then.
he has been in my mind since i saw him.
why wonder so long about someone so distant?
if i knew the answer of my questions no mistery would ever take place in my story.
do i need mistery?
i don't think so.
all i need is him for the moment.

it is said repeatedly that you get to know anybody either on vacation or when he is drunk.
i think i know him now.
he drank a lot.
i don't think i can forget about those hands for a considerably long while.
i knew the new phase would work out just fine in the sense that it brings by new things.
i never thought these new things would be feelings.
congratulations to me who managed to miss the main point as usual.

Oh, so I drank one
It became four
And when I fell on the floor ...
...I drank more

he is what i want.
i know it.
i can feel it.
i didn't know such a thing was possible.
so instant and so distant.
i touched his hands.
i felt his arms around me.
his hug was warm and hands were cold.
why am i doing this to myself?
i have no idea.

he is so cute.
why am i doing this to myself?
this will hurt me more only and do nothing helpful.
when i say this i mean writing about him, thinking about him.
him.
i know a band named "him".
nice band.
cute boy.
cute boy is the one i just fell totally in love with tonight.
i cannot believe this.
i know i will see him again in a couple of days.
but that will be all. he will be gone forever then.
i am not good at expressing myself in this sense.
how do you explain to a person that you are in love with him after knowing him for a couple of hours, and most of that time he was drunk!!?
am i taking things too far?

something new is in me now.
i have realized what i have been looking for unconciously.
i feel pain.
actually i thought i would feel much better if i knew what i wanted.
but it is pain in me.
may be because now it is out there and i know it.
reality bites.
these sentences mean a lot to me.
i hope those who read these words do appreciate it because this is totally the deep end point of intimacy.

i want u!
how many times do i have to say this to make u mine.
even for a little while.
a night?

still nothing has changed
i wish i was less myself
this is really stupid
how i harress myself for the little things
i am glad.
although i do not know what it really means
i am not totally above the clouds or something like that
but i am just glad.
i guess this means i am doing fine
when extraordinary staff do not happen to me in person
i make the ordinary things seem extraordinary
so i am glad.

i want u reading these words.
but i don't want u ending up thinking too much about me. actually i do not want u thinking at all anyway. what am i? a bookstore. just do not think once in a while!!
funny games take place no matter how mature we all get. at least we think we get so mature that no funny games would take place. and as in the case of love, there is no range of timing.i am aware that i am writing bullshit but i am actually enjoying this staff. i miss many people in my life. the void they left will not be fulfilled ever as it seems.but taking risks do no harm in the sense that the satisfaction of having taken that risk is worth anything in the whole wide world. at least in my so called wide world.

when you're here every thought i ever had becomes clear
but when you're far the only light i ever see is the stars
and when you go the feelings burn as they grow
cause to me to me you're beautiful
but when you're here josephine the stars don't shine so bright
but yeah with me josephine you'd never sleep at night
but when you go i never sleep as i do
and in my dreams i hold you like i never will release

but when you're here josephine the stars don't shine so bright
but yeah with me josephine you'd never sleep at night
i'm dreaming of you
are you dreaming it too
i'm dreaming of you
i scream your name
but when you're here josephine the stars don't shine so bright
but yeah with me josephine you'd never sleep at night
i'm dreaming of you
are you dreaming it too
i'm dreaming of you
i scream your name

you better watch your step,
you must be on your car and take it slow,
and promise me be careful what you do.
i know you're strong,
i know you'll make it on your own without my help,
but please make sure you won't be, by your self.

every time i hear my song on the radio,
i keep moving closer and closer to you.
every time the dee jay is playing my song,
i can feel you here by my side all night long.

you gotta try much harder,
take it from the start and try again.
you gotta be much faster, if you can.
the proper play will fail,
no matter how you try it's not enough,
it takes so much to make it to the top.

every time i hear my song on the radio,
i keep moving closer and closer to you.
every time the dee jay is playing my song,
i can feel you here by my side all night long.

i wish somebody knew this place was mine.
i wish he read this staff everyday and realized what he has done to me.
in a good sense.
all that he has placed in me.
is this all a joke?
i don't think so.
there are many things i want to achieve.actually some of them are staff i have to achieve. but also i want to. so they don't count in the same category with obligations.
i don't think i can keep up with this staff everyday.but would like to do so. it would accumulate and i could go back and read what has been happening to me lately,actually earlier.
if past does matter it would help.
i want to write a story. i will be back with a story.
my story.

no more questions
i swear..

i really like it here
today is my second day
should i be excited
i am not excited
not excited
i wanna be Yeats.
i want to write and then have everyone appreciating it because it is magnificient.
do u think this is so?
i mean what i am writing.
do i want to be know
i dont think so
otherwise i would have told people about this staff
why do i seem to be someone i am not or at least not appear to be who i actually am.
big in japan.i like it.what am i saying again.
i though i could get some answers if i did some brainstorming here but only more question marks are coming to mind.
sad, isn't it?

why let someone effect u so deeply
change u so harshly
why wonder about him for so long?
i ask myself but only silence responds
why ask myself then
why not ask him?
but the question would be then "how"..
how do u go so deep in me?

i wonder if anyone is taking me seriously here
nobody even knows that i am here
nobody would ever imagine me writing this staff
staffff!!!
do i stand so cold to make all think that i would not write.
well actually i do not write
but that does not means i don't think staff worthy of writing although i do not write them.
anyway i got no one to turn to who would tell me that i am only ordinary
would love to be so desperately
will become one eventually
i feel void.
sorry

with or without u

i really have never been here before
does this mean anything
good or bad
nevermind
i dont know either
got so much on mind
anyway i hope the new phase will end with the arrival of a newer one...