i had a car accident last evening.
i was shocked.
and my new car was a bit shaken also.
i am having a great weekend with friends i enjoy very much.
i think i am gonna miss many of them when i am gone.
but hopefully they will have replacements
euheueheuh

olcay is my new best friend!

i rock babyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
i fucking rock really fucking like hell!!
oh yea baby
i did it!
i am gonna rock sydneyyy!

a decent job a man ...not what i am looking for.
nothing decent attracts me anymore
not since my heart got fucked up so bad that i cannot stop loving because i am addicted to the pain.
weird ha?
no more than...
because if u think this is weird the rest would only tramatise u petite.

i don't see how anyone can accept a life without trace
no trace because they do nothing uniqeu
when i do something
i want my art to say this is hers
i am hers
i am her
i want it to be a part of me
of this whole experience or journey or what the fuck ever anyone else might name it
well gotta believe in tomorrow
yea just gotta!

i am gonna go
easiest line to write
hardest to do nowadays
oh god please help me go forward
i am so sick of ending a journey where i began in the first place

whenever i take a look what i wrote before
it only makes me feel bad
even the good times hurt me
why is that?
when where how why did i decide to leave everything i had
is it because i did not have much
or that i had to leave not to be embarrassed any longer
why am i up right now
i wanna be asleep
these long night are killing me
i cannot do anything
too old to watch a movie to read a book or to live
but too young to feel to heavy
balance is what is missing from my life
from my time
beatles is just like these long night
killing me
oh yea love was easy to play
when i was loved
really

yesterday, love was such an easy game to play
now i need a place to hide away
oh, i believe in yesterday

why she had to go i don't know, she wouldn't say
i said something wrong, now i long for yesterday

i am fucking jealous!
why do these married couples keep running into me!!
literally actually running into me!
why?

what kind of a life would i have then
and what kind of a life do i have now...
or am gonna have soon.

he got married.
i knew it since he stopped writing me
but marriage isn't that a huge deal?
i don't know how he feels about the woman he married but i suppose he married a "woman".
anyway i wrote him a long reply asking him billions of questions.
hopefully i'll be informed soon...
but i am so confused nw
the idea that it could be me whom he just married few months ago...

soulseek made me lose my soul!
i spent too much today as usual.
i don't want new staff i cannot take all with me.
those left behind will go bad eventually...
silly me!

free for almost 3 more daysss!!!
heyo!!

since i applied for masters
i have done nothing but throwing out my staff as garbage
and i feel i am gonna be doing this for a while
par example: till i'm gone for good...

i don't want any tv today!! reading listening but no watching!!
oh god i did not know that i got myself so tired.
why do i do this to myself
never rest
why
who the fuck is paying me to rock myself apart...

for the first time in history i got myself a local cd
totally full of old times turkish songs
mostly love songs
no man to love
but my heart is obivously full of it...

hey dude
let's make it happen!

got to go back there
have to sleep at some point

but the one i am seeing nowadays is much more realistic since evil forces do not scare me anymore.

i cannot sleep at night nowadays.
i have the exact same dream every night no matter what.
that is why i cannot sleep right now.
i don't wanna go back there.
the same thing had happened to me when i was a kid.
i used to see myself in a train station with a couch and the train went by without stopping every time and i had to run after it.
or hide myself behind the couch because of the evil forces...etc.
now i am not as comfortable telling the dream i am having nowadays as telling my childhood dream because i am still under the influence of it.

too late..
thrown away.
each and every day.
i am on a road which i have no idea where it ends.
and once you're there got to move on other wise you get lost.
anything that has a beginning is said to be having an end.
so i will get somewhere someday hopefully soon.
why do i never think of men so desperately.
there are although few some people who are dying to have boyfriend, who think that they are in love with anyone who asks them out; and here i am so picky!
there women who can love any man back.and when thing so wrong they say it is just was not meant to be. then why did u do it?
why?
because these girls are so desperate, so scared to go out there are chase what could be best for them.
thank god i am not one of them.
no man is my life.
when i love i really do so for many years.
not a few months even weeks
my love my sexuality is still mine, not in the market.
thanks god that you have given me all that i have, and will have.

my apartment is full of guys again!!
these football games made me quiet popular!
beer and footbal...
i am going male!!!

yaz bana be koçum!
iki kelime olsun yaz bana.

did a hell of a shopping!
i hope it is quiet cold over there cause the staff on sale was onyly sweater!
uniteed colors of benetton...

i have been expectins e-mails from many men for the last couple of days.
none have written yet.
what i am scared of is that it might be too late when they do.
isn't this the traditional ritual of love and affection?

i watch hell of a movies today!
istanbul film festival took place at my apartment!
i feel so satisfied...intellectually!

i am gonna fantasise great staff up until the moment when they come true!

i love u jay jay
i love u jay jay

i have all these visions in my mind about how things are going to work out,
but there is this feeling in my hearts that says it is gonna work out much better!

i have applied for masters' degree in australia today.

i am getting dressed to go out enjoy the sun and the market of youth!
chat with my friends.
i feel so good about all of this going on in my life.

this excitement is growing by the minute.
we all have started to get drawn in the details when the admission is unknown.
oh please this one month should go by so fast that i might remember it as if it was a day when i am through this.
many people went and came back from different contexts.
but i feel like my experience is going to be different.
that it is going to change my life so permanently that i won't be back.
people are only experts in suffering.
but i know how to enjoy what i have.

nobody knows this blogspot.
on my own here it seems.

i cannot take this anymoree!
this is a repeatition of myself again!
i know!
but the stress is too much, i just don't think i can take it anymore.
i need some time off, and it's coming.

this is so weared.
i know i seem to repeat myself but this is true.
i am in such a rush to apply for masters degree in australia.
this has been my ultimate dream since i was seven,
since i was concious of my existence in other words.
now i gotto sit down and tell those people over there how much i want what they have...

i am going to prague!!
oh my god!!
this is a dream come true!!

hey dude!
let's make it happen!
8 o'clock 1stbirthday
10o'clock 2nd birthday
midnignt 3rd birthday
.......
dancing until the morning.

i should have dressed better!!

birthday parties tripledd!!!
oh my god!!

do i get tired?
it doesn't seem to be so...
two birthday parties to attend tomorrow night.
oh my god!
fun is like a cancer!!

friday!!
dinner, a movie...
friends!!
disco, lots of dancing...

bu sabah yalnız uyandım
sensiz olmaz, sensiz olmaz
tanıdık kokular yok
sensiz olmaz

kahvaltım anlamsızdı
sensiz olmaz, sensiz olmaz
ilk sigaram bile tatsızdı
sensiz olmaz

anlaşılan alışmışım
sensiz olmaz, sensiz olmaz
bir verdiysem iki almışım
sensiz olmaz

aşk bir dengesizlik işi
sensiz olmaz, sensiz olmaz
dengeye dönüşendir sevgi
sensiz olmaz

yine kendi kendime sormadan duramadım
niye seni böyle istiyorum bulamadım

yalnızlık zor sokaklar çıkmaz
sensiz olmaz, sensiz olmaz
hep tekdüze her şey dümdüz
sensiz olmaz

anlamak çozmeye yetmez
sensiz olmaz, sensiz olmaz
biraz telaşlı, huzursuz
sensiz olmaz

yine kendi kendime sormadan duramadım
niye seni böyle istiyorum bulamadım

gece gelmiş, yatağım boş
sensiz olmaz, sensiz olmaz
sen uzaktasın, ben uzanmış
sensiz olmaz

anlamak çozmeye yetmez
sensiz olmaz, sensiz olmaz
biraz telaşlı, huzursuz
sensiz olmaz

yine kendi kendime sormadan duramadım
niye seni böyle istiyorum bulamadım

yesterday i did not go to work
today i did not go to work
somethings wrong with me
probably what happened tuesday night...
i spent whole night dancing with an exclusive person in my life.
the one who made me have to open a new phase
and still he is a part of it.
he asked me in the morning why there was no pictures of him in my rooms
all i could say was that he did not look good enough in the pictures.
but the reason was that he broke my heart so badly i could not stand the sight of him
as long as he himself wasn't around to show me compassion or love.
which one ever he possesses.

jesse paints a picture about how it's gonna be!!!

E

what is this about me
that i want to have things done as soon as possible
what's the rush
where am i going
what am i trying to catch up with
u?

22
i hate it

sometimes it feels great to be me
sometimes it doesn't
but if it ever was given to me to be someone else
i would be someone else just to see who i am from a different point of view
not because i wanna be someone else

so much i wanna do
so little time
everyone thinks i am just ruining myself
but it's just that this is mee!!
i can't stoıp till i'm done.
australiaaa i'm comingggg

tomorrow tomorrow
i love uu tomorrowww

i miss the old days
really
nothing seemed so confusing then
i am not home
never home
where is home
nowhere i guess as long as the one is not there...

no woman no cry

may be i was better off without him.
may be not.

a man i used to find really attractive
is now so repulsive that
words are not enough to express
all i got on my mind.

friday i'm in love....
cure.

friday...
oh man drive me crazy with their ego-centric suggestions...

a brand new car
a refreshed man
a left-out school
too many friend
too small time
......
work is my home now.

what a weekend!

lunch.stop.
today.stop.
cute.stop.

i was gonna write the name
but i just changed my mind

last night
i saw the sun
the moon
the mountains
and the rivers

i saw heaven when i'm making love to you!!!

got to get back to work!
thanks for your concern!
applause...

i did hell of a shopping!
burn in hell "metrocity" !..

this is strictly business.

some friendSSS from the States are here.
thank God.
i adore Niggers as u might call!!

deep down inside
a very sophisticated intellectual is writing these lines
thank u.

gol be gol
amına koyyım fenerin!
i don't wanna swear in english!
ebenizin amına yarrak sokiyim geberin be ibnenin piçleri fenerliler!

boys boys boys
don't break my heart!

i have no idea still why i am writing in english
but just being never too clear about what i got on my mind makes me feel more comfortable i guess.

i am gonna do this
and do it right!

four nights in a row that i spent out!
i am gonna meet with my ex-lover this week
who knows he might become the formal one!
i want himm so muchhh
and he knows it
and i knoow he wantsss mee!!
i am so cute in business outfit!
i also want the cameraman!
mucxx.

atv

so i don't mean u bitch!!

God be with us all!

PS: when i say all i mean those i like...thank u.

somebody gave me a job!
i am gonna be in a television station
i am actually gonna work!
god bless us all!
the end is close it seems..

not pregnant..
i am such a lucky bitch!!!
i should gamble more oftennn!!!

cold mountain
21 grams
monster
l'appartment
devils' backbone....
somewhere over there...

soryy could not write for a while
i was busy getting compliments!
roxyyyyy!

a real friend would want to know what's going on in your life because she cares about you,
not to satisfy her own curiosity.
shame on u.
ain't no friend any longer.

happy valentines.

i want someone else!
whom i have not met yet.
but soon.
still i am into this shit now.
i wish what i had was worth something but the cruel part is that it wasn't.
nothing is worth the shame i feel right now.
ok i lied!oh ym god i even lie to myself! true whore am i not!
i feel no shame that's the worst part not that it did not enjoy as much as expected.
i am a shameless bitch!
thank you.

here comes the bomb!
i fucked a friend!
a good friend of mine!
literally!now i feel stuck
do i have a boyfriend on valentines?
or am i mutating into a bitch slowly?
this site has no help just extends the wideness of questions in mind.
is this how i thought i would bewhen i was a kid?
all this college education, intellectual vision, all those books read, trips to different end of the same world...
and see what i have almost become?
not a student even.
you cannot name someone who does nothing on it a student although she is registered to college.
what am i thinking?
georgeous view of my apartment is no help...
many men on the same bed... all mine.
some good some worse.
friends are all dissapointments.
i swear they all are.
everyone is after something, minor or major.
but everyone is stocking me as if.
so what is most painfull is that i cannot tell anyone.
i really do want to talk to someone.
my ever first friend in life is the only one whom i could tell it all sincerely.
billy jean is not my love!but she says i am the one!
things would be much easier if thee were no one in the middle, a best friend and a girl friend is present.
oh my god!
i am the mistress!
i never thought i would be, there are obviously many other things,qualification i never thought i would posses.
life is full of suprises...
only suprises but nothing more.

i never thought such mistakes in timing would ever happen to me.
but you know
everthing is for the man kind.
mistakes also.
i just hope that it's not too late.
and i get to the heart of my beloved by valentines day
not that it means something but that it might if we come together then.

a night spent in the arms of the beloved...
a feel like shit still!
ok let's just deal...
i am gonna change starting tomorrow..
but might be a slow process.
apologies for the disturbance we cause to the environment.
thank you

tomorrow evening
party at my place
it has a theme of course
the exclusive "manti" party!!
oh peopleeeeee i love u too!!!
the paradox lies in the question: "how am i gonna cook for so many people?"
.........

got to go....
everyday is the same almost.
get up, breakfast, get dressed, go out , have fun...
come back many days later on....
maya is gonna kill me someday....

things get stuck sometimes.
sometimes doesn't.
but with me everything is always stuck.
why am i always in such a hurry?
what's the rush?
is it the 22?
is it me?
just wish time worked for me....
of course would get paid...

or may be it is too early to think at all!
i should not think about it....
it ....
see i am thinking about it.
fuck!

i know it is too late to think straight but i'll give it a shot!
i wantttt this to become true!
i need it so much!
i don't really care short term or long term
please god make this true!make it real!
make him mineeee!!

yes!!!
i think this is it!!
what i've been looking for!!!
loveeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

tonight is the night when two become oneeee!!

i hate myself when i let a friend down.
i hate myself right now.
i'm sorry dude!next friday total party!

it should be illegal for me to go outside in day time..
just like it is for vampires..
since they get burnt by sunshine, and i get burnt by shopping!!
oh god i bought a bag again!!!
save my soulll!!! if not my wallet!

last saturday i got a hair cut
too short!!
but too cute also!!
i think i seem a bit different now
more mature
but only seem so!!
cause i think i'm in love with my friend,
worse my friend's lover!
f.u.c.k. t.h.i.s. s.h.i.t.

what do i do when my love is away
does it worry cause you're on your own?

close your eyes and i'll kiss u
tomorrow i'll miss u
remember i'll always be true!!!

road trip...
shouting out loud singing this and driving 120 km/hr.

"close your eyes
give me your hand
darling, do you feel
my heart beating?
do you understand?
do you feel the same
or am i only dreaming?
is this burning?
an eternal flame
i believe it's meant to be darling
i watch you when you're sleeping
you belong with me
do you feel the same
or am i only dreaming?
but is this burning (burning)?
an eternal flame
say my name
sun shines through the rain
of all life so lonely
then come and ease the pain
i don't want to lose this feeling"


what?
can't i make mistakes?
feeling ain't there to be thought about.
are they?

22

weared?
not enough to explain these days.
confused?
besst word to explain me in these couple of days.
god... please do see me!
at some point!

unbelievable hours spent..
soon to forget
far to remember...