struggle
everyday

the last couple of days Kadiköy has been my spot.
it was weird because i usually never go there to hang out but only because i got staff to do.
last night it was quiet fun; drinking beer in the fresh air, two boys two girls flirting with everyone but not each other...that is what friendship is all about. isn't it?
every single day i go out with different group of friends of mine.
today i have a week left in İstanbul.
then i won't be available for a whole year.

there is a birthday party to attend this evening
birthday of someone i really cherish whom i got a red bag as a birthday present
obviously i enjoy the birthdaypersons' company!

got to get a cell phone.
people are gonna want to hear my voice!
i love it when people love me!

hot day...
is gonna get hotter
but i ain't gonna be here...
no way!
please god let me go on!!!
no embassy can get between me and my dreams!
congratulations on my lust for a new beginning!
i just wish i did not have to bring along my ass.

you've got mail
from someone you are gonna meet in exactly two weeks
"thought there is love in everything and everyone one you are so naive!!!"
sydney here i come
slleping on the couch for a couple of night
then have a single studio apartment!!!
huge deal
don't you think?

saturday sunday
summer house
sun burn
wet
too much fish
too much ice cream

i know i haven't done much for this new phase for a time
but the newest phase is about to begin on 13th of july i am going somewhere totally distant.

officially
i got a boyfriend!!
all weekend
and last night
a movie and some alone time.
i like it!

officially a masters' student ia m of today with an apartment of my own!
gosh it is going to be just amazing!

i am weird

weird night
somebody broke into my car
i had a long talk with my ex that was lovely and sweet
and i feel good
because i am going to sydney!!!

enrolled to the university of sydney
master of arts
congratulation
how did i make the choice is a different issue
just flipped a coin!

all i need to
is to find out if i steel rely want to
continue i don’t know if it’s to late
but i think it’s the best thing we can do
for both me and you

you steel be everything
i know that i wanted
and everything that i needed
but it doesn’t mean that this is the end
this is not the end

all i wants just a little more time
a little more time
just a little more time
all i wants just a little more time
a little more time
a little more time
to make up my mind

its not a bad thing
i would never do anything to hurt you
and i know you rely felt the same way to
i keep telling my self you didn’t mean to
but i forgive you

for you hurt me
but i rely hope that one day you will see
the reason i breathe is for you and me
but it doesn’t mean that this is the end
this is not the end

all i wants just a little more time
a little more time
just a little more time
all i wants just a little more time
a little more time
a little more time
to make up my mind

all i wanted was some time to make up my mind
ohh… and i do rely hope that we could work it out
cause love like ours is hard to find

ohh…

all i wanted was some time to make up my mind
ohh…

some people are nice.
some people seem nice.

monday what a lovely dayy!
got drunk at the "local".
wanted to go dancing but everywhere is closed.
what a lovely day!
so innocent.

i am the fire starter
the lover is the giver
oh what a lovely day!
finally i lost my mind
all the cute guys stole it and ran away and sold it to the devil
who is much smarter by now.

everyone is after everyone these days
i find it really ironic that women chase men more often!
ironic isn't it?
no it is not.
there are more women then men in urban areas!
gosh too much sociology kills
:)

when the caged bird sings
it sound as i do
and feels good!
at least to the performer.

oh god!
a message and a call from a boy once i loved very much...
and not being there then he was but where i always be but not only for this one time.
confusing right!
so i was.
and then the next night so many cute guys.
all coming onto me
felt just so good
was just what i needed.
now i am back on track hopefully.
but must decide fast which one i really want because got only a month to fall in love and fall out of love

this pain is like nothing else.
i wish i was dead.

mayaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
please be home.
i beg you
please just be home.
or if you're gone
come backkkkkkkkkkkk!

the color of the night
i wish you were here with me in my bedroom on my bed staring out the window to the most amazing blue my eyes have ever witnessed.

oh my God!
i never believed in fortune telling since tonight!
i was told that someone was going to propose to me and he did so tonight.
this is such an unbelievable experience for me.
may be the school i am gonna go to is already know too.
my man my kids my affairs .... everything.
feels so weird.

sunbeam shone, mousy girl on the end pew
you'd stay home, oh if only they let you
le pastie de la bourgeoisie

municipal pool, you're a junior life saver
but you're friends are all serious ravers
le pastie de la bourgeoisie
reading judy blume
but you came too soon

you're too tall, much too tall for a boyfriend
they run and hide, from your buck tooth and split ends
don't be scared, like the books you've read
you're the heroine
you'll be doing fine

wouldn't you like to get away?
bestowing the memory of good and evil
on the ones you left behind
the heartless swine

and you love like nobody around you
how you love, and a halo surrounds you
le pastie de la bourgeoisie
in the autumn cool
say cheerio to school

listen dear, i've been watching you lately
if i said all these things you would hate me
le pastie de la bourgeoisie
at the church bazaar
i nearly went too far

wouldn't you like to get away?
kerouac's beckoning with open arms,
and open fields of eucalyptus
westward bound

wouldn't you like to get away?
give yourself up to the allure of
catcher in the rye
the future's swathed in stars and stripes

get me away from here i'm dying!

belle and sebastian
really said what i meant

ooh! get me away from here i'm dying
play me a song to set me free
nobody writes them like they used to
so it may as well be me
here on my own now after hours
here on my own now on a bus
think of it this way
you could either be successful or be us
with our winning smiles, and us
with our catchy tunes, and us
now we're photogenic
you know, we don't stand a chance

oh, i'll settle down with some old story
about a boy who's just like me
thought there was love in everything and everyone
you're so naive!
they always feature sorry endings
they always get it in the end
still it was worth it as i turned the pages solemnly, and then
with a winning smile, the boy
with naivety succeeds
at the final moment, i cried
i always cry at endings

oh, that wasn't what i meant to say at all
from where i'm sitting, rain
falling against the lonely tenement
has set my mind to wander
into the windows of my lovers
they never know unless i write
"this is no declaration, i just thought i'd let you know goodbye"
said the hero in the story
"it is mightier than swords
i could kill you sure
but i could only make you cry with these words"

i was five and you were six
we rode on horses made of sticks
i wore black, you wore white
you would always win the fight

seasons came and changed the time
i grew up, i called you mine
you would always laugh and say
remember when we used to play

music played and people sang
just for me the church bells rang
after echoes from a gun
we both vowed that we'd be one
now you're gone i don't know why
sometimes i cry
you didn't say goodbye
you didn't take the time to lie

bang bang, you shot me down
bang bang, i hit the ground
bang bang, that awful sound
bang bang, my baby shot me down.

i never hid myself behind computer screens or typingboards or mouses.
i was always out there meeting real people
fullfilled with some real experiences
is that why i am not a bit scared but horrified!?

a futureteller told me my future
not just some futureteller
this one told me
a big white heart in a castle
standing by a symbol like the one i imagined
smiling bcs happy to see my luck widening its doors to the world...

see the pyramids along the nile
watch the sunrise from a tropic isle
just remember, darling all the while
you belong to me

see the marketplace in old algiers
send me photographs and souvenirs
just remember when a dream appears
you belong to me

i'll be so alone without you
maybe you'll be lonesome too
and blue

fly the ocean in a silver plane
see the jungle when it's wet with rain
just remember 'til you're home again
you belong to me

i'll be so alone without you
maybe you'll be lonesome too
and blue

fly the ocean in a silver plane
see the jungle when it's wet with rain
just remember 'til you're home again
you belong to me

i am officialy an sourtimes writer.
thanks for your applause!

i could escape this feeling with my china girl
i feel a wreck without my little china girl
i hear her heart beating loud as thunder
saw they stars crashing

i'm a mess without my little china girl
wake up mornings where's my little china girl
i hear her heart's beating loud as thunder
saw they stars crashing down

i feel a-tragic like i'm marlon brando
when i look at my china girl
i could pretend that nothing really meant too much
when i look at my china girl

i stumble into town just like a sacred cow
visions of swastikas in my head
plans for everyone
it's in the whites of my eyes

my little china girl
you shouldn't mess with me
i'll ruin everything you are
i'll give you television
i'll give you eyes of blue
i'll give you men who want to rule the world

and when i get excited
my little china girl says
oh baby just you shut your mouth
she says ... sh-sh-shhh

if i am ever gonna be occupied want to be a loser.
i want to lose all day ( of course during work hours ), and get paid for it.
please god make my dreams come true and never let me down to having suppose to be occupied because then all i am gonna be is a loser!
a loser!
may even be two!

f.c.u.k.

should i stay or should i go?

please!!

i just got home
and still and drove for so long that my ass still feels the car seat!

a weekend away is nice!
friday nights i am a bitch
sunday night i am a magdalane sister!

so far so good

this is what i call international relations!

he really is married.
is it a big deal?
should this matter to me?
considering the fact that i have not seen him for so long
thought of him so few
but only remembered the memories gently.
is this it?
is this how love ends?
true love where you think of your beloved more than anything else in the whole wild world!

forever young.

i am the beloved nowadays.
everyone seems to be after me.
so agrressive i have become against those who desire me.
so smooth to those i love.

buffy ends this season.
spike dies in buffy and comes back to angel.
faith goes back to buffy.
cordelia's kid is gonna be the bad guy of the next series.
i watched it all in Berlin before!!

i am going on a vacation tomorrow!
with 4 guys...
i am such a shame!!

one hell of a night
do you know there are people you can talk about anything
do anything with
you know...
people with whom you can be really you!!
you don't know?!
what a shame.

cure.
i'm in love.

it just occured to me that i met someone really suitable for my temporary positioning;
and oh God did i just let him slip away from my hands.
Fridaay I'm in love!!

sascha, troy, sting, araf...
sunday.

got to quit it.

dorothy perkins, levi's, zara...
too much shopping might cause permanent brain damage.

dorothy perkins, levi's, zara...
too much shopping might cause permanent brain damage.

dorothy perkins, levi's, zara...
too much shopping might cause permanent brain damage.

rythm line bronx roxy...
i am going bitcher and bitcher everyday!!!

rythm line bronx roxy...
i am going bitcher and bitcher everyday!!!

so many men
trying to get me
what the hell ever that means
i am tired of running away
so tired
so drunk
oh god thanks that i still survive with my dignity.

so many men
trying to get me
what the hell ever that means
i am tired of running away
so tired
so drunk
oh god thanks that i still survive with my dignity.

wish me luck...
i am only happy when it rains...

today is gonna be a tough day
a rough day...
got some much to do although time is enough
my nerves may not be.
still o tense...

today is gonna be a tough day
a rough day...
got some much to do although time is enough
my nerves may not be.
still o tense...

got to go
and break the bonds...
i feel dizzy about it.
what should i be thankful for...they should thank me!
all the work i did and the way i was treated the last day, it was awful..
i wish it was on tape so that i had some proof!
oh God help me get over this as fast and smooth as possible.
why do i feel so tense still?

i hate some people.
really hate them.
especially those with no intellectual aspect but only ignorance,
and still they pretend to be someone else someone more info loaded.
why ? what the hell for do you pretend ?

written so many words in the last couple of hours
and may be even more
but for only one
just please be worth it!

i need better friends.
that's for sure.

sydney
here i come
you can't hide
gonna findd u
and take it slowly

porn porn porn
for the first time in history
raki and porn...

i better star reading
better get used to it
or i'll suck over the ocean
above the clouds
by the angel looking hot surfing boys
got to go...

sydney
new south wales
monash

come onnnnnnn!

i sleep to muchh
or none
what have i become
i do not care much about the rest it seems
just wanna know what's next...

pretty dirty things

pretty dirty things

my pervert had an operation
he had one of his kidneys removed
wonder why

beliz'i özledim.

i had a car accident last evening.
i was shocked.
and my new car was a bit shaken also.
i am having a great weekend with friends i enjoy very much.
i think i am gonna miss many of them when i am gone.
but hopefully they will have replacements
euheueheuh

olcay is my new best friend!

i rock babyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
i fucking rock really fucking like hell!!
oh yea baby
i did it!
i am gonna rock sydneyyy!

a decent job a man ...not what i am looking for.
nothing decent attracts me anymore
not since my heart got fucked up so bad that i cannot stop loving because i am addicted to the pain.
weird ha?
no more than...
because if u think this is weird the rest would only tramatise u petite.

i don't see how anyone can accept a life without trace
no trace because they do nothing uniqeu
when i do something
i want my art to say this is hers
i am hers
i am her
i want it to be a part of me
of this whole experience or journey or what the fuck ever anyone else might name it
well gotta believe in tomorrow
yea just gotta!

i am gonna go
easiest line to write
hardest to do nowadays
oh god please help me go forward
i am so sick of ending a journey where i began in the first place

whenever i take a look what i wrote before
it only makes me feel bad
even the good times hurt me
why is that?
when where how why did i decide to leave everything i had
is it because i did not have much
or that i had to leave not to be embarrassed any longer
why am i up right now
i wanna be asleep
these long night are killing me
i cannot do anything
too old to watch a movie to read a book or to live
but too young to feel to heavy
balance is what is missing from my life
from my time
beatles is just like these long night
killing me
oh yea love was easy to play
when i was loved
really

yesterday, love was such an easy game to play
now i need a place to hide away
oh, i believe in yesterday

why she had to go i don't know, she wouldn't say
i said something wrong, now i long for yesterday

i am fucking jealous!
why do these married couples keep running into me!!
literally actually running into me!
why?

what kind of a life would i have then
and what kind of a life do i have now...
or am gonna have soon.

he got married.
i knew it since he stopped writing me
but marriage isn't that a huge deal?
i don't know how he feels about the woman he married but i suppose he married a "woman".
anyway i wrote him a long reply asking him billions of questions.
hopefully i'll be informed soon...
but i am so confused nw
the idea that it could be me whom he just married few months ago...

soulseek made me lose my soul!
i spent too much today as usual.
i don't want new staff i cannot take all with me.
those left behind will go bad eventually...
silly me!

free for almost 3 more daysss!!!
heyo!!

since i applied for masters
i have done nothing but throwing out my staff as garbage
and i feel i am gonna be doing this for a while
par example: till i'm gone for good...

i don't want any tv today!! reading listening but no watching!!
oh god i did not know that i got myself so tired.
why do i do this to myself
never rest
why
who the fuck is paying me to rock myself apart...

for the first time in history i got myself a local cd
totally full of old times turkish songs
mostly love songs
no man to love
but my heart is obivously full of it...

hey dude
let's make it happen!

got to go back there
have to sleep at some point

but the one i am seeing nowadays is much more realistic since evil forces do not scare me anymore.

i cannot sleep at night nowadays.
i have the exact same dream every night no matter what.
that is why i cannot sleep right now.
i don't wanna go back there.
the same thing had happened to me when i was a kid.
i used to see myself in a train station with a couch and the train went by without stopping every time and i had to run after it.
or hide myself behind the couch because of the evil forces...etc.
now i am not as comfortable telling the dream i am having nowadays as telling my childhood dream because i am still under the influence of it.

too late..
thrown away.
each and every day.
i am on a road which i have no idea where it ends.
and once you're there got to move on other wise you get lost.
anything that has a beginning is said to be having an end.
so i will get somewhere someday hopefully soon.
why do i never think of men so desperately.
there are although few some people who are dying to have boyfriend, who think that they are in love with anyone who asks them out; and here i am so picky!
there women who can love any man back.and when thing so wrong they say it is just was not meant to be. then why did u do it?
why?
because these girls are so desperate, so scared to go out there are chase what could be best for them.
thank god i am not one of them.
no man is my life.
when i love i really do so for many years.
not a few months even weeks
my love my sexuality is still mine, not in the market.
thanks god that you have given me all that i have, and will have.

my apartment is full of guys again!!
these football games made me quiet popular!
beer and footbal...
i am going male!!!

yaz bana be koçum!
iki kelime olsun yaz bana.

did a hell of a shopping!
i hope it is quiet cold over there cause the staff on sale was onyly sweater!
uniteed colors of benetton...

i have been expectins e-mails from many men for the last couple of days.
none have written yet.
what i am scared of is that it might be too late when they do.
isn't this the traditional ritual of love and affection?