great grandmother passed away this morning
so they told me.

again back to where it all first began
the same mood
same timing
starving but for something else
craving for the feeling

night of june.
when will a love that broad will find me?
am i suppose to be in search?
could not sleep all night, staring at the ceiling at a strangers bed.
what happens if such an experience never finds me again
what am i suppose to do where am i suppose to stand so that my life intersects with his
he who is not the one
but the someone

got to study, but again as soon as i open my eyes see the daylight i cannot hold myself from going out!
almost two weeks of vacation and i read nothing.
congratulationsss:))

sometimes when i cannot concentrate to what i am doing i think of people i no longer have any attachments with.
it feels weird because it was my choice to let them go out of my life.
but seems memories stay.
i have had this kind of feelings before when i was second year at uni.
not anymore i thought i would happen.
life goes on but the cycle does not change i guess.
anyway i cannot wait for tomorrow!!

i love spring especially the break part!!
i cannot wait for tomorrow
a day that brings along everything I have been waiting for!!
thanks tomorrow.

i need some rest
i am sick and tired of doing this.
i can imagine myself, reading and feeling good by staring at the view of the city from my table in the library.
i can see myself doing my shopping, catching a movie afterwords...

now got to get moving
time to have fun
I think I paid my debts to fate.
serendipity is what has to come now.
just waiting for the signs.

the readings the writings
assignments
dates, timing good or bad
weekend plans
weekday plans
wanting everything getting some
not having it all
not so missing
but a little dizzy
thinking of people I would never think of before
wondering what went wrong
realized that it was nothing just time changing people
me especially.
cannot take it anymore, cannot handle those ashemed to be themselves
uptight people not my type mate! not my type!
real friends show up at worst
so true!
although I am doing incredably good
my phone always rang, I think I got it I handled it very well.
new beginning
new phase
new me!

partyy!
finally!
the time has come.
the day has come.
the sun has risen.
the poetic I am, the better everything's gonna be.

excitedd for the package
for the party
for the film
for the week shortly.

much better
much much better...

whiskey experience
Rockssssssss

everyone called me last night
even 5 in the morning
that's why my plans never work out
i just let them go

could i get up any later

whatever it is i am planning
don't worry
never works out

weekends plans may have vanished
but the party I was looking for took place in my apartment
which is cool.

i don't think it's so amazing now
not anymore

gosh let this curse go away!

destiny sometimes sucks,
just when i thought everything was working out
i injured my ankle
i am gonna miss my classes
a party!!!
and fresh air.

i think it's amaziiiiiiiiiiiiiiinggggggggggggggggg

finally,
I'm free.

focus focus focus focus focus focus focus focus focus

ordered more books
haven't read even those i got yet

i am unbelievable!!
nominated myself to the election in Supra!!
we'll see how it goes ....

i am looking forward to the next two weeks to go by succesfully by which i mean no trouble!

I slept on a couch last night
one of those for only for person to sit on it not to sleep on it
quiet painful don't you think!
lightning of my room still does not work!
i go out too much again
got to study really focused today

ice cream
rain
e-mails
phone calls
feels good
but no studyinggg hass takeeen plaaceee stilll!!!

cleaning.again could not wake up.
am i sick?
think got a cold.
well not that bad.
will be fine by tomorrow!

finally decided..
still got no ice cream.
but got a busy schedule!

australian idol sucks!

got to decide on a research question
specify the dissertation topic
actually all i want is some ice cream
this has been going on since thursday!

feeling better
getting rid of those you don't enjoy
reading more for career
loving more the ones deserving
feeling home on my own
programmes made for upcoming couple of nights
just hold on dear
you are doing it
a life of your own
free will has arrived

to pretend no one can find, the fallacies of morning rose, forbidden fruit, hidden eyes, courtesies that i despise in me take a ride, take a shot now. `cause nobody loves me, it's true, not like you do.
covered by the blind belief, that fantasies of sinful screens, bear the facts, assume the dye, end the vows no need to lie, enjoy, take a ride, take a shot now. `cause nobody loves me, it's true, not like you do.
who oo am i, what and why? `cause all i have left is my memories of yesterday, ohh these sour times. `cause nobody loves me, it's true, not like you do.
after time the bitter taste, of innocence decent or race, scattered seed, buried lives, mysteries of our disguise revolve, circumstance will decide. `cause nobody loves me, it's true, not like you do

here i go out to sea again the sunshine fills my hair and dreams hang in the air gulls in the sky and in my blue eyes you know it feels unfair there's magic everywhere look at me standing here on my own again up straight in the sunshine no need to run and hide it's a wonderful, wonderful life no need to hide your face it's a wonderful, wonderful life sun in your eyes the heat is in your hair they seem to hate you because you're there and i need a friend oh, i need a friend to make me happy not stand here on my own look at me standing here on my own again up straight in the sunshine i need a friend oh, i need friend to make me happy not so alone look at me here here on my own again up straight in the sunshine

there is so much i want to write to those i love
but words are not enough
it is not that they are not with me near me right now but that
i could not tell what has happened anyway.

i wish i knew myself better
do i feel the way i feel right now really or is it because i am drunk?
i might be confusing feelings
or i might be confusing me with someone else.

cannot get thourgh
occupied
i fell for the wrong guy again.
why do i do this to myself
why do you do this to me
i could have a very nice relationship with my boyfriend
did you just have no choice but to make me fall for you
well congratulations you managed to turn my life into a disaster...

got drunk again again again again
i listen to music
which is limited with my laptop...
and get drunk
not on my own of course there are people out there who also have troubles and miseries...
wish i wasn't one.

wish could start over

i suck i suck i suck
how many times do i have to say that to convince myself!!
going to the movies tonight with my so-called boyfriend.
what have i done?
how many times do i have to ask myself that to find the answer?
i am suppose to be studying and taking my time to meet new people.
did i have to rush! no!
i would eventually say that i did not rush myself but people rushed me.
that would be lying to myself.
eventually i will do that.
thanks to me.

actually new man!
just one!
i think i am in a relationship...
it had been a years since i was last part of one.
feels both secure and scary.
nice to have someone to hold onto.
but scares that he is also gonna vanish!
isn't he?

what is this making me
new house new men new friends
but me! me! me!

life is tough
i used to tell myself
now it is more than that.
gosh things are never gonna change are they?
no matter where i go what i do
i take myself along

such good friends i have made through the years
i see now
such a mail i read
and cannot keep my tears to myself.
just i wish i could be there for her.

tonight is last night.
he comes.
the beloved is happy to see him.

nobody came.
may be some other time.
another life time may even be more suitable for happiness.
better go on shopping...
at least i get what i want.
although i pay for it.
may be i should pay him!
oh gosh finally i've gone mad!

nobody knows that every blog is about another man
a man everybody knows
a man nobody knows
ok may be a few!
:)

what comes goes!
i hope he comes
so that he cn go
otherwise we are gonna get stuck
together

no matter where i go
he is always with me
he is a part of me
never thought of that
did i came here to ran away from him
i don't think so
i dreamed this even when i did not know him
but still
it hurts
to know that i lost him for good
hopefully for good!
for the best.

please come.
i love you.

sleep i don't need to sleep i hide my fist behind me dream i don't sleep i dream my conscience lays beside me if you were here if you were here if i was there if you were here today, this day if you were here if you were here if i was there if you were here today, this day speak i don't need to speak you're satisfied with silence scream i won't speak i scream my conscience walked behind me if you were here if you were here if i was there if you were here today, this day, if you were here if you were here if i was there if you were here today, this day, today..sleep and all my energy i waste on dreams of silence if you were here if you were here if i was there if you were here today, this day if you were here if you were here if i was there if you were here today, this day

a man who thinks of me when this song is on is the man i am going to marry.
i swear!
i hope he does think of me...
pleasee gosh make him think of me!!
does he love me?
is he my lover?
or will be on friday?
probably.
definitely we'll be happy ever after.
i know this phase.
i have been here before six years ago.
this time i won't let it slip from my hands.
hold on tight babe,
love is at the door.
and shakes well although you don't answer the door.

i hope he thinks of me like Costello does:
she may be the face i can't forgetthe trace of pleasure or regretmay be my treasure or the price i have to payshe may be the song that summer singsmay be the chill that autumn bringsmay be a hundred different thingswithin a measure of a dayshe may be the beauty or the beastmay be the famine or the feastmay turn each day in to a heaven or a hellshe may be the mirror of my dreamsher smile reflected in a streamshe may not be what she would seeminside her shellshe would always seem so happy like a cloudwhose eyes can be so bright and so proudno one's allowed to see them when they cryshe may be the love that cannot hope to lastmay come to me from shadows of the pastbut i'll remember 'til the day i dieshe may be the reason i survivethe why and where for i'm alivethe one i'll care for through the rough and ready yearsme, i'll take her laughter and her tearsand make them all my souvenirsthe way she goes that, got to bethe meaning of my life is she, she , she.

sometimes i feel i've got to run away i've got to get away from the pain that you drive into the heart of me the love we share seems to go nowhere and i've lost my light for i toss and turn i can't sleep at night once i ran to you (i ran) now i'll run from you this tainted love you've given i give you all a boy could give you take my tears and that's not nearly all oh...tainted love tainted love now i know i've got to run away i've got to get away you don't really want any more from me to make things right you need someone to hold you tight and you think love is to pray but i'm sorry i don't pray that way don't touch me please i cannot stand the way you tease i love you though you hurt me so now i'm going to pack my things and go tainted love, tainted love tainted love, tainted love touch me baby, tainted love touch me baby, tainted love tainted love tainted love tainted love

still insomnia
but worth it
since now there is someone to share the disaster...
hugger and kisser!

hug and kisses
...
all night...

this is my confession of things i've kept inside secrets i've tried to hide from you, you never suspect it. they've been carefully contained, i respectfully restrained the truth.... but now i can't hide it anymore, i can't deny it anymore. i'm in love with you and i don't care who knows and it shows... that i have wanted you for so long, and now all of my strength is gone i can't keep these feelings locked up in my soul..... so this is my confession, my heart without disguise undressed and open wide to you i've abandoned the protection that has quietly concealed all that i now reveal to you. for now i can't hide it anymore, i can't deny it anymore. i'm in love with you and i don't care who knows and it shows... for i have wanted you for so long, and now all of my strength is gone i can't keep these feelings locked up in my soul..... what ever your reaction i will fearlessly without a reservation tell honestly that i have wanted you for so long, and now all of my strength is gone i can't keep these feelings locked up in my soul..... so this is my confession...

i misunderstood myself
my goal
view of everything
in other words
perspective.
wrong guy!
again.
got to give up
but not gonna

still drunk.

so drunk that i might even fuck myself

still
cannot sleep

i would love to tell all about tonight
but scares me
to get through it again.
to be touched in such a manner
the touch of a loving man!!

i am so cold....

it is only myself that i cannot help at all.
tears follow me everywhere.
why do i do this to myself?
why do i always have to rush myself into things?
to be loved scares me
not to be loved feels lonely
the more i try to express myself the worst i am in deep shit

as i try to make my way to the ordinary world
i will try to survive

ohhh
i am so happy that he called
he is thinking of me too
i am gonna see him today in 19 hours.
i lost my mind!
where is my mind?

gosh!!
it is always men who get in the way to my success!

got to get him off my mind
and focus on my dissertation subject.

called.
i never thought he would.

life is too short to spend on sleeping
right?
ohhhhhhhhh noooo
i just want some deep refreshing sleep!!
and stop thinking about him!

behold yourself my beloved
i am on my way to your heart
and not just that but to your life.

i want to write his name.
but i shouldn't.
because if things don't go the way i image
it hurts even more.

fat little notebook

i wanna walk with you on a cloudy day

i wanted new experience
now i cannot sleep
because of them.
i cannot stop thinking about the things i am getting myself into.
i do staff i would never do back home.
am i changing? or is it only the context that makes this me like this? time will show i guess.

.......
beyz- too hot chick

sometimes i feel like i am drunk behind the wheel the wheel of possibility however it may roll give it a spin see if you can somehow factor in
you know there's always more than one way to say exactly what you mean to say
was i out of my head?
was i out of my mind?
how could i have ever been so blind?
i was waiting for an indication it was hard to find
don't matter what i say only what i do i never mean to do bad things to you so quiet but i finally woke up if you're sad then it's time you spoke up too...

i met someone.
was i out of my head-Fast Ball

atatürk!!
that's whom i am like.
coffee and alcohol together.
good thinking.
and great decision!

my second saturday here
manly beach
darling harbour
city market
the central...
movies with bacardi breeze orange!
i like it here!

it is going to be tough
but the tougher it gets
i am gonna be even tougher than that.
gosh be there please.

It is going to be tough
as tough as it gets
i am gonna be tougher!

there are many things that i would like to say to you but i don't know how
because may be you are gonna be the one that saints me and after all you're my wonderwall!

hi!
things have changed recently.
i am living in sydney now
the most wonderful city the world has ever witnessed.
everyday as i am walking around i appreciate the goodness flowing in the air.
people do not change but new phases bring people other qualities then their own.
and i believe this city is making me more and more further myself who is actually very touchy and at the same time joyful.
what a city man has created!

those who have broken my heart
i forgive you
but that does not necessarily mean that it is forgetten
only forgiven.
 

got to go get ready.
but you were always on my minddd!!

she sent me a message
' sana iyi yolculuklar beyzacım. du$ seni özlicek. biz de. '
i am missing so much!!

i am so excited
i just can't hide it!i don't wanna loose control
and i think i like it!

i have a date for thursday night
and i am not in Sydney yet!
i have been asked out for a dinner to experience the thai-food.
and the gentelemen is someone who changes my life in the last couple of month.
my only but beloved friend in Sydney.

unbelievable!
this is my last night here in town.
and althought it was not a real party tonight some of my real best friends were here.
i felt so good that so many people called and came over on their own.
gosh i made such good friends here!!
i wish i could take the special ones with me!
anyway a journey is a journey when you're on your own.
isn't it?

respect the tech of mp3!!

hello is it me you're looking for!?

bye bye party!!!
thanks guys!!
it fells good to be loves
and to know that i'll be missed!

dance me to the end of loveee!!!

is this a dream or what
perfect love life nowadays
academic carreer is at the door
i am full of love and joy
and cannot wait to share them with my new colleages!!

oh my God!!
6 nights and 7 days
I have left !!!
then Emiratessss!!
dubaiii, sydneyyy!!
gosh what have i done!?

visa visa visa visa!!!
i got my visa!
went to dinner to celebrate my victory!
went to "nevizade" to celebrate my mission!
came home to tell myself
this is no joke but a journey...

struggle
everyday

the last couple of days Kadiköy has been my spot.
it was weird because i usually never go there to hang out but only because i got staff to do.
last night it was quiet fun; drinking beer in the fresh air, two boys two girls flirting with everyone but not each other...that is what friendship is all about. isn't it?
every single day i go out with different group of friends of mine.
today i have a week left in İstanbul.
then i won't be available for a whole year.