so far not so good. i guess...
not so sure as well then.
went on a business trip with the co-workers and not totally but actually slept with one.
a married one.
concious.
why?
a few ideas come to mind first.
but the reasons does not change the result.
slept with a married co-worker.
not really slept though tried big time!
if he were to ask if i still wanna go for it, i would. this is the embrassing part.
actually one of the embarrassing parts, many of which i don't even really want to go into.
having a man who wants you in bed has become a priority.
especially since i have made up my mind about breaking the cycle with a new phase there has been no limits whatsoever.
wanna love?
join me in death...
2006/10/19
well then is it all about stopping writing here
there has been month i wrote nothing
not on purpose it just did not come up
and now i write again.
i thought i broke the chain
well i guess it was bigger and harder than i thought to begin with.
defining the problem well is the biggest step that would take you to the solution closer than u can imagine.
but sometimes we cannot see what is right underneath our noses.
a solution.
a relief.
a lover.
is that all we look for?
there has been month i wrote nothing
not on purpose it just did not come up
and now i write again.
i thought i broke the chain
well i guess it was bigger and harder than i thought to begin with.
defining the problem well is the biggest step that would take you to the solution closer than u can imagine.
but sometimes we cannot see what is right underneath our noses.
a solution.
a relief.
a lover.
is that all we look for?
tonight is the night when all sins are forgiven if you just ask for it.
what else could anyone ask for?
I think I would ask for all my wishes to come true somehow.
this huge power of creation might do some good to those created in the first place.
where is the wrong i do? I am not saying the wrong i did because i know i am still doing it.
no doubt! no worries!
since i am still fine with my wrongs, then it is not to rush.
may be it is just time i need.
this blog was meant to keep my mind clean as i write during a phase when i was lonely.
since then i am lonely.
the harder i try the deeper this loneliness gets.
what to do what to do?
what else could anyone ask for?
I think I would ask for all my wishes to come true somehow.
this huge power of creation might do some good to those created in the first place.
where is the wrong i do? I am not saying the wrong i did because i know i am still doing it.
no doubt! no worries!
since i am still fine with my wrongs, then it is not to rush.
may be it is just time i need.
this blog was meant to keep my mind clean as i write during a phase when i was lonely.
since then i am lonely.
the harder i try the deeper this loneliness gets.
what to do what to do?
2006/10/16
2006/10/12
here i am back to where i first began.
i hope this blog is being some use to someone out there.
considering the fact that i keep repeating my mistakes, this is no use to me.
once i though writing helped me understand better whatever i wrote.
i got the new job. actually i am at my new office my new desk...etc.
but still old me. what is this obsession i got about changing, old & new; whatever all bullshit.
i met a nice guy the saturday before. we spent the night together in a weird way, with a third person sleeping on the same bed with us and no kissing since we had not eaten by the time we started to touch and cuttle... so we ended up uniting in a weird way. i thought of leaving it all there in his apartment but as i rushed out of the door he asked for my msn address and i gave it to him.
what a mistake.
oh woman just leave it there alright i said to myself the day after. because i ended up obssessing with msn. i spent all that time on the net at my ex-offices talking about idiotic stuff to unnecessary people. and now no msn at work!! great news right :(
i spent 6,5 hours on the msn on the wednesday after our union.
since then i got a new phone number at home and cable internet connection. all i got to do is to get the wireless modem.
anyway the summary is; once everything is ready what is to come then?
am i gonna end up waiting to talk to him on the msn?
i wonder if he thinks about me at all?
what a classic scene...
god help me if i am to rush myself into anything ever again, but the thing is if i don't rush then nothing happens....
i hope this blog is being some use to someone out there.
considering the fact that i keep repeating my mistakes, this is no use to me.
once i though writing helped me understand better whatever i wrote.
i got the new job. actually i am at my new office my new desk...etc.
but still old me. what is this obsession i got about changing, old & new; whatever all bullshit.
i met a nice guy the saturday before. we spent the night together in a weird way, with a third person sleeping on the same bed with us and no kissing since we had not eaten by the time we started to touch and cuttle... so we ended up uniting in a weird way. i thought of leaving it all there in his apartment but as i rushed out of the door he asked for my msn address and i gave it to him.
what a mistake.
oh woman just leave it there alright i said to myself the day after. because i ended up obssessing with msn. i spent all that time on the net at my ex-offices talking about idiotic stuff to unnecessary people. and now no msn at work!! great news right :(
i spent 6,5 hours on the msn on the wednesday after our union.
since then i got a new phone number at home and cable internet connection. all i got to do is to get the wireless modem.
anyway the summary is; once everything is ready what is to come then?
am i gonna end up waiting to talk to him on the msn?
i wonder if he thinks about me at all?
what a classic scene...
god help me if i am to rush myself into anything ever again, but the thing is if i don't rush then nothing happens....
2006/09/20
well well well
there is nothing worse than digging your own grave i guess.
no i don't guess, it is so.
all day i have been surfing the net thinking of everything. and in the end i kept on digging my own grave.
i quit my job and now i cant get a reply from the other company on the price....
i don't know how much i am worth but i do know that they don't know either.
now i am waiting to hear from them. if there is nothing, then i guess i am just unemployed.
what the fuck have i done i ask myself, then i notice this is just what i wanted what i needed. a huge crash, a great distraction that would take me away from that shit hole empty love life of mine.
now all i can think of is work work work.... for the last month or so. actually two months almost.
i have distracted myself big time!
now it is time again that i et back on my two feet!
get a career woman!!! now!
yes that is what i tell myself as well.
no more hours even days spent expecting a phonecall, no more nights going back and forth trying to decide whether to send a message or not, no more drinking heavily to forget all!
only work work work... i am gonna go to the gym straight from work today. i just wanna sweat and relax. take a nice shower and get my shit together.
there has been no reply form the future company about my price. i am hoping to hear from them something progressive. or i'll call the human resources tomorrow and make sure that they know that i am gonna start working there at the beginning of the next month. well hope so at least!
otherwise i am screwed! big time!
there is nothing worse than digging your own grave i guess.
no i don't guess, it is so.
all day i have been surfing the net thinking of everything. and in the end i kept on digging my own grave.
i quit my job and now i cant get a reply from the other company on the price....
i don't know how much i am worth but i do know that they don't know either.
now i am waiting to hear from them. if there is nothing, then i guess i am just unemployed.
what the fuck have i done i ask myself, then i notice this is just what i wanted what i needed. a huge crash, a great distraction that would take me away from that shit hole empty love life of mine.
now all i can think of is work work work.... for the last month or so. actually two months almost.
i have distracted myself big time!
now it is time again that i et back on my two feet!
get a career woman!!! now!
yes that is what i tell myself as well.
no more hours even days spent expecting a phonecall, no more nights going back and forth trying to decide whether to send a message or not, no more drinking heavily to forget all!
only work work work... i am gonna go to the gym straight from work today. i just wanna sweat and relax. take a nice shower and get my shit together.
there has been no reply form the future company about my price. i am hoping to hear from them something progressive. or i'll call the human resources tomorrow and make sure that they know that i am gonna start working there at the beginning of the next month. well hope so at least!
otherwise i am screwed! big time!
2006/01/20
it is such a dissapointment for myself also to see others crash.
it's pretty effective to watch a sad movie, same goes for seeing a friend of yours crash on his head.
i have had many dissapointments with my love affairs, but at least i've had them. it must be harder to accept to never get there, never suffer since you never got to be the one.
may be it is just me, but sometimes i feel like it is enough for one person to love another for an affair to remember, even though the love is not reciprocal.
what a thought, this is why i am never available.
emotional overload.
it's pretty effective to watch a sad movie, same goes for seeing a friend of yours crash on his head.
i have had many dissapointments with my love affairs, but at least i've had them. it must be harder to accept to never get there, never suffer since you never got to be the one.
may be it is just me, but sometimes i feel like it is enough for one person to love another for an affair to remember, even though the love is not reciprocal.
what a thought, this is why i am never available.
emotional overload.
2005/10/05
2005/09/27
well well well
now i know. life is never perfect. but this doesn't mean it cannot be pretty good.
i have fallen for my first love all over again when i met someone who appears to be exactly like him.
who ever whatever, i have these feelings that just make me feel 18 again. i know i am not old enough to make such a statement, but till a few years back., i would fall deadly in love, now all i got left is lust and desire.
i guess flesh gains importance as egocentricism and satisfaction become priorities in anything.
some men are just desirable. and i am full of desire. what can i say, i may be older but non the wiser.
now i know. life is never perfect. but this doesn't mean it cannot be pretty good.
i have fallen for my first love all over again when i met someone who appears to be exactly like him.
who ever whatever, i have these feelings that just make me feel 18 again. i know i am not old enough to make such a statement, but till a few years back., i would fall deadly in love, now all i got left is lust and desire.
i guess flesh gains importance as egocentricism and satisfaction become priorities in anything.
some men are just desirable. and i am full of desire. what can i say, i may be older but non the wiser.
2005/07/06
2005/06/15
how long before i get in? before it starts, before i begin? how long before you decide? before i know what it feels like? where do, where do i go? if you never tried, then you'll never know. how long do i have to climb, up on this side of this mountain of mine? look up, i look up at night, planets are moving at the speed of light. climb up, up in the trees, every chance that you get, is a chance you seize. how long am i gonna’ stand, with my head stuck under the sand? i’ll start before i can stop, before i see things the right way up. and all that noise, all that sound, all these pieces that i have found. and birds go flying at the speed of sound, to show you how it all began. birds come flying from the underground, if you could see it then you'd understand… ideas that you'll never find, all the inventors could never design. the buildings that you put up, japan and china all lit up. the sign that i couldn't read, or a light that i couldn't see, something’s you have to believe, but others are puzzles, puzzling me. and all that noise, all that sound, all those pieces that i have found. and birds go flying at the speed of sound, to show you how it all began. birds come flying from the underground, if you could see it then you'd understand, oh when you see it then you'll understand… all those signs, i knew what they meant. something’s you can invent. some get made, and some get sent, ooh… birds go flying at the speed of sound, to show you how it all began. birds came flying from the underground, if you could see it then you'd understand, oh, when you see it then you'll understand…
2005/06/05
just came home. i drank a lot.
i saw my ex today. it was a bit hard on me. because he looked just fine, but i did not feel anything. i think my heart is stone at least towards him by now.
love is so weird, once a bitch always a bitch.
i come to think of it, sometimes i look around and i say to myself;
Beyza how did u do this? how come you are living in sydney, your own apartment, a new life, great friends, heaps of lovers, new clothes, new style but still old you?
and then i tell myself;
it is because who i am is good enough.
i saw my ex today. it was a bit hard on me. because he looked just fine, but i did not feel anything. i think my heart is stone at least towards him by now.
love is so weird, once a bitch always a bitch.
i come to think of it, sometimes i look around and i say to myself;
Beyza how did u do this? how come you are living in sydney, your own apartment, a new life, great friends, heaps of lovers, new clothes, new style but still old you?
and then i tell myself;
it is because who i am is good enough.
2005/06/02
i am so depressed at the moment.
i haven't felt this bad in a long time now.
everything is going so bad.
everything is so empty, so void for me.
i need time to change. i need time to feel again.
now that i come to think about it my life was much better everytime i pushed myself a bit further. love found me whenever i found myself. i have to change before a stroke finds me.
i haven't felt this bad in a long time now.
everything is going so bad.
everything is so empty, so void for me.
i need time to change. i need time to feel again.
now that i come to think about it my life was much better everytime i pushed myself a bit further. love found me whenever i found myself. i have to change before a stroke finds me.
2005/05/05
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