it is over a month now that i decided for the newphase to rebegin since it doesn't end
another month until i am there to take the step and leave it to the flow
after that not another day will go by where i won't think i did what's right
for me...

somewhere over the rainbow

there are sailors who can make it to the point where they can see the land
and they drown meters from saviour
there are sailors who just give up and the mermaid finds them at the beach
all handsome and sweet

they say it's never too late
and then they say carpe diem
isn't it waste of time to built a healthy future
when its only consequence is a crappy today

only if he called
i am sure i wrote something very familiar many years back
and the same dependancy still exists in me after all that i have been through
why try to swim when you can just hit the bottom and rest in peace?
if this wasn't instinctive i would long be gone & havin' a great time in heaven

does love fade away?
or is it just pushed away
when we just cannot have that person
am i ever going to be over him
or is this for good that
no matter what i find out about him
how bad it is that he treats me
i am stack with this subversively intense feeling of
wanting to make him happy
but also wondering to know about it all

there are point in your life when words don't make sense anymore
how would anyone explain anything to her/himself with no words
that is i believe called dreaming, my fav
when i first started writing this blog i imagined that it would be a phase
eventually end bcs everything would be so perfect, why write it
well apparently nothing is perfect as well as nobody

writing here feels like home
i look back and see that i have inclined to stay away
whenever feelings are intense and i have hope
so the sight and the dates of the blogs are a sign of my hopelessness
sort of cute in a way
in many ways, just pathetic and i love it!

If I was young, I'd flee this town
I'd bury my dreams underground
As did I, we drink to die, we drink tonight
Far from home, elephant gun
Let's take them down one by one
We'll lay it down, it's not been found, it's not around
Let the seasons begin - it rolls right on
Let the seasons begin - take the big game down
Let the seasons begin - it rolls right on
Let the seasons begin - take the big game down
And it rips through the silence of our camp at night
And it rips through the night
And it rips through the silence of our camp at night
And it rips through the silence, all that is left is all that I hide

I have grown to deal with more, suffer more, deeper pain and almost no courage to yield. Does this make me stronger or a coward? Rather than getting up on my feet and putting on a fight, choosing to sit on a chair of needles is the hard choice. So; in this case the hard choice has become addictive... Addicted to pain, am i?

it would not be fair to skip 2009
well to summarize in a few words
repetition repetition repetition...
how much more pathetic could any chain of events get?
no more...

it is happening.
smoothly and easily.

About as subtle as an earthquake, I know,
My mistakes were made for you.
And in the backroom of the bad dream, she came,
And whisked me away, enthused.
And it's as solid as a rock rolling down a hill,
The fact is that it probably will hit something,
On the hazardous terrain.
And we're just following the flock,
Around and in-between,
Before we're smashed to smithereens
Like they were, then we scramble from the blame
And it's the fame that put words in her mouth,
She couldn't help, but spit them out.
Innocence and arrogance entwined,
In the filthiest of minds.
She was bitten on her birthday,
And now a face in the crowd, she's not.
And I suspected now forever the shape
She came to escape, is forgot.
And it's a lot to ask her not to sting.
And give her less than everything;
Around your crooked conscious she will wind.
And we're just following the flock, around and in-between,
Before we're smashed to smithereens
Like they were, and we scrambled from the blame.
And it's the fame that put words in her mouth,
She couldn't help but spit them out
Around your crooked conscious she will wind.
And it's a lot to ask her not to sting,
And give her less than everything
Innocence and arrogance entwined.

There's no need for the servant
There's no scene, no queen
This must be less then meant
The most pityful ever seen
I guess he misses the sunshine
For Venus he wrote a line:
"I don't mind waiting a lifetime
Even if it's gambling with time
I could dare the waiting elsewhere
Love could be the future we share"
He used to waste opportunities
Get some suicidal tendencies
All his life he's been seeking
For his passing love affair, he sang:
"I don't mind waiting a lifetime
Even if it's gambling with time
I could dare the waiting elsewhere
Love could be the future we share"
Now he's sliding to the skies
White, unlimited in his eyes
No one heard of the one man band
A red carpet to the lucky land
I don't mind waiting a lifetime
Even if it's gambling with time
I could dare the waiting elsewhere
Love could be the future we share
I'll find another space
I need some open space

Don't think sorry's easily said
Don't try turning tables instead
You've taken lots of Chances before
But I'm not gonna give anymore
Don't ask me
That's how it goes
Cause part of me knows what you're thinkin'
Don't say words you're gonna regret
Don't let the fire rush to your head
I've heard the accusation before
And I ain't gonna take any more
Believe me The sun in your Eyes
Made some of the lies worth believing
I am the eye in the sky
Looking at you I can read your mind
I am the maker of rules
Dealing with fools I can cheat you blind
And I don't need to see any more
To know that I can read your mind,
I can read your mind
Don't leave false illusions behind
Don't Cry cause
I ain't changing my mind
So find another fool like before
Cause I ain't gonna live anymore believing
Some of the lies while all of the Signs are deceiving

i have to stop myself
since i cannot let go
nor can i move on....
just stop woman!

this is getting seriously silly
i know it, he knows it
anyone who gives this a thought would know
anyone.

move on move on move on move on
or just let go!

best way to get my thought together is to write
here we go again;
where to stop?
how to stop when it is too late?
movin' on has also become a huge issue ever since i haven't been able to do so...
is it our weight that binds us to the ground or quantum gravity?

i soo have lost it
as i read what i've written it become extremely clear where i stand
there is no wisdom in what i am doing
none at all!
which just makes it pathetic, but is it useful to pity yourself whereas you could also be cherishing who you are?

let go let go let go let go
so hard for such a control freak
and these labels i hate these labels
segmentation categorization & everything else that just sticks on you and sucks whatever distinctive quality there is in you
if there is any of course.

he left no time to regret
kept his dick wet"with his same old safe bet
me and my head highand my tears dry..."get on without my guy
you went back to what you knew
so far removed from all that we went throug
hand i tread a troubled track
my odds are stackedi'll go back to black
we only said good-bye with words
i died a hundred times"you go back to her
and i go back to....."i go back to us
i love you much
it's not enough
you love blow and i love puff"and life is like a pipe
and i'm a tiny penny rolling up the walls inside"we only said goodbye with words
i died a hundred times
you go back to herand i go back to
black, black, black, black, black, black, black,
i go back toi go back to
we only said good-bye with words
i died a hundred timesyou go back to her
and i go back to
we only said good-bye with words
i died a hundred times
you go back to her
and i go back to black

losing control is so freaking me out
but still everything is out of control
noticing the situation has made no difference
does this make me a control freak or just a "wanna be" control freak?
my hands are shaking if that makes any sense or means anything regarding the issue of today;
lost control.